Having a loving, caring family is not a given. You can be so used to your daily life that you don’t notice the problems that look obvious to others. However, when you look at your situation from an outsider’s perspective, you might notice some glaring red flags that you previously missed. Some things cannot be unlearned or unseen.
The members of the AskReddit community opened up about some of the most sensitive experiences from their past. They shared the moments the scales finally fell from their eyes and they realized that their family was toxic. Read on for their vulnerable and powerful stories.
Warning, Pandas, many of these stories hit hard. Some of them can make you feel very uncomfortable if you’ve experienced something similar in the past.
#1
When I realized what sex was and that my family shouldn’t be doing it to me. Not kidding, f****d up childhood.
Image credits: BigBadCheadleBorgs
#2
My therapist stopped trying to get us to communicate and started giving me tips to survive until I could move out.
Image credits: artistica18
#3
I was 8 and sitting in my new babysitter’s apartment having an asthma attack. I was very allergic to cats and my mom had left me with her despite knowing my allergy and knowing that she had nine cats.
What was so important that she leave me there? She wanted to f**k my older sister’s boyfriend and needed me out of the way. She hadn’t even sent my inhaler with me.
I nearly died. My sister found out and got in a fistfight with my mom in the hospital hallway while respiratory therapy was working with me. They both caught an STD from the dude and I learned to always have my inhaler on me.
Image credits: kalooboo
‘Toxic’ is a word that gets thrown around left and right these days without paying much attention to the context. However, the stories that the AskReddit community shared in the viral thread are genuine examples of what toxicity actually looks like in a family setting.
At its core, toxic behavior is linked to dysfunction, neglect, manipulation, and abuse. True toxicity can wreak havoc on a person’s physical, mental, and emotional health, make them feel used, and destroy their self-esteem. Just as positive relationships can make us happier, healthier, and more resilient to stress, negative ones have the opposite effect.
Healthline states that many people may not even realize the effects their family environment had on them during their childhood until they become adults. Some of the signs of potentially toxic families include things like your needs not being met, feeling controlled, and high expectations to meet unrealistic standards.
#4
I had my graduation from engineering the same day as my mother’s birthday. I, of course, had nothing to do with the date choosing.
My mother said I “ruined her birthday” so.she scheduled her birthday party to be on my actual birthday.
Her birthday is March, mine is August.
Image credits: my_name_isnt_zelda
#5
When I moved in with my SO and noticed she called her family for things I would never call my own for because she actually likes them and doesn’t see communicating with them as an obligation, but rather because she wanted them to be part of her everyday life.
Image credits: Nambot
#6
My birthday: “I got you a pack of socks, but I realized I can get them cheaper from somewhere else, so I’m going to return them.”
My brother two weeks later: “I think I’d like archery, will you get me this 600 dollar bow?”
Parents: “oh hell yes!”
I never got the socks.
Image credits: MyApostateAccount
Other signs include unhealthy substance use among family members, inappropriate touching, name-calling, gaslighting, extreme criticism, and chronic disagreements.
As per Enlightened Recovery, toxic family environments might include kids having to care for their younger siblings, ensuring that their substance-using parents get to bed safely, and providing emotional support to grown-ups.
Other red flags include having to do excessive chores and cooking meals from a very young age, feeling unwanted or unloved, and having your basic needs unmet, from a lack of food or proper clothing to not being picked up after school.
#7
We had a missionary family staying with us, and the parents actually got input from their kids. The entire concept of being allowed to have my own feelings and thoughts was so foreign. My parents also treated us so much better when we had guests. Not getting beaten was so nice.
Image credits: cchings
#8
When I got put in a children’s home at 6 and the other kids there were scared of the stories I would tell about my home life.
Image credits: idodgeyourcalls
#9
My dad screamed at me for 20 minutes when I was 11, called me a b***h and told me to get the hell out of his house when I casually mentioned we seem to argue more than other families.
Edit, my heart hurts for everyone who shared their trauma. I’m giving you all a big hug right now. Things can get better, and I’m hoping it does for all of you. When you can, address your trauma, reach out and talk to someone. My dad regrets not having talked to someone about what he went through as a kid because of how much it hurt his own family. The problem with taking the stance of simply “refusing to be my (blank)”, is you create a whole new set of bad behaviors because you are trying to over compensate. Freedom is acknowledging that in some ways you may be like (blank), but that doesn’t make you them.
Image credits: iwantbutter
Therapy doesn’t involve someone waving a magic wand to instantly ‘solve’ all of your family issues. Therapy requires lots of difficult, uncomfortable, and often emotional work with mental health professionals over many years. It requires being vulnerable, facing your demons, and reframing your past experiences and traumas. It’s worth it in the end, though.
So, don’t be scared of reaching out to a therapist if your toxic family environment continues to haunt you to this very day.
#10
When my overly religious grandma tried to defend her blatant favoritism of my older sister by telling me that I was “born evil”.
Image credits: georgeharrisimp
#11
When my mom yelled at me for being depressed. She was saying how rude and inconvenient it is for everyone around me that I was depressed. She was screaming so hard that her face was all red. She screamed at me frequently. She would always wait until I was in the car with her because I would be unable to leave. I stopped talking to her after that and she played the victim. She apparently was suffering because she was “abandoned by her daughter”. No one in my family wanted to hear my side of things, no one reached out to check in on me. I was made out to be the bad selfish daughter. Now, I don’t have a relationship with anyone in my family. I cut both my parents off after I realized they both will not change or get help or see they ever did anything wrong. It’s been tough to deal with the emotions of it all, especially the emotions I felt when I was younger and in their care. I’ve been working on it with therapy for a few years now. But it’s been a necessary decision for me to cut those ties. So I can focus on myself and my growth and healing the parts of me that have been broken from my past.
EDIT: wow I’ve never had a post get so many likes! It’s my first time really putting it out there like this. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in the struggle but also unfortunate others have had to deal with a similar situation. And it’s nice to feel seen and heard and validated. Family s**t can be tough! I hope everyone who relates is feeling strong and doing well! ❤️❤️❤️.
Image credits: Keep-keep
#12
When my ex sister-in-law broke into my house and started painting my living room while I was at work. Apparently, she didn’t like the colour and that would just *ruin* her Christmas.
Image credits: Asak0pt3r
Which of these stories affected you the most, Pandas? Have you known anyone who has had to live in a truly toxic household? How would you support someone who’s gone through such traumatic experiences?
On the other hand, how do you ensure a healthy and happy environment at home? Share your thoughts in the comments.
#13
When my friend pointed out that most people are allowed to shower every day without having to negotiate it.
Image credits: Ectophylla_alba
#14
My first memory is of my parents fighting when I was 3. I remember my mom looking at my dad, and yelling “This is why we’re getting a divorce”. They separated when I was two, but took some time to figure out custody, as well as the actual finalization of their divorce. My mom was always so angry and would scream, throw things, and tell me consistently she didn’t want me around. I finally had a breaking point with my mom the day before I turned 17. We got into a huge fight and I finally realized that she was just taking out the aggression of her past on me. I realized she had been blocking out the abuse she put me through, and finally brought it to her attention. I know her mother was an abusive alcoholic, and she kept perpetuating this cycle of abuse. What triggered the whole realization, was when I dated someone for the first time when I was 16, and my bf’s mom treated me like her own. It was the first time I felt welcome in a home, she made sure I ate because she knew I wasn’t eating properly at home, she always had a bed made for me Incase I ever needed a place to stay, and would always check in with my bf to make sure I was okay when I went home. I moved out the month I graduated high school, and I have not gone back to her house.
Image credits: Rocksanne76
#15
For reference, I’m a Boomer, so I’ve seen a ton of changes here in the dear old US of A.
When I was in grade school, we were on vacation in Arkansas, driving by a building I must assume was a diner/burger joint of some kind bc it was visible from the road. Even more conspicuous was the enormous sign reading “COLOREDS SERVED IN THE REAR” with a big arrow.
I was learning to read and, practicing, read the sign aloud. My father, who was driving, nodded his head and said, “Exactly as it should be.”
Even though I was only six, that was my wake-up call.
Image credits: Midas_Artflower
#16
When My mother threw a fit that my son is so involved in his dad’s life, my mother and father have been separated for a long time because she did the same thing to him. She decided that I was ‘neglecting’ my son because I didn’t want to limit what he does with his dad. He only gets to see his dad two days a week because of his messed up work schedule and I’ll give him extra days if he gets them off. I’m sorry if I won’t repeat my families mistakes and want my son to have a father.
#17
When my mother and I were on a heated phone call with each other and she said how much I “hurt her” and I had the courage to say “well what about how you hurt me?” And her response was “Well yeah I MEANT to hurt you!”. Big eye opener that one.
Image credits: hotlikeacurry
#18
My mom said I love you at the end of a phone conversation when I was 22 and I realized it was the first time she ever said that.
Image credits: watsername9009
#19
I have a lot of these and they’re all pretty crazy, but I’ll go with the first one. When I was six years old, my aunt (who was my guardian), faked my grandmothers death. She lied to all of us. Local churches, her friends, and strangers for sympathy and money. She wrote to multiple people asking for support. She needed money for a headstone and the funeral, etc. People bought into it.
You can imagine our surprise a year later when we received a letter from our grandma saying she was coming to see us.
Image credits: FuriousNyle
#20
I was 9 and I was really nice to poor guy selling shirts out of the back of his truck. My dad pulled me away and told me directly “it’s great to be nice to people, Chris, but be mean too. You want people to be a little scared of you”
Even at 9 I was like “bruh that’s not… Great” and it really was an interaction that shaped our relationship. I went on to teach, have a vibrant friend group (every year a dozen of us meet up for new years and were in the 10th year this year!), and generally I love people. It’s in my work and in every fibre of my life.
He… Died alone of an overdose about 10 years ago. The funeral would’ve been basically empty if not for all the friends who came to console me.
Image credits: ochristo87
#21
The family from my dad
My DEAR (note the sarcasm) cousin Stephannie made a peanut cake (the flour had peanuts, it had peanut butter, peanut chocolate and peanut chunks) on her twin’s 17th birthday and obviously hers, I’m very allergic peanuts and she knew it. I refused to eat it for obvious reasons, Stephannie shed some crocodile tears as she said that she had lovingly made the cake so we can all eat it.
Between my Aunt Karen, her husband and my paternal grandparents they forced me to eat a HUGE piece of that cake while Sophie (Stephannie’s twin and birthday girl that day) called out for emergencies outside the house.
I almost died, but everyone who forced me to eat that piece of cake spent only 3 years in jail because “they did not know about my allergy and I was a rebellious teenager who was very picky about food.”
Some of my father’s brothers and sisters (who were at the birthday and did nothing) say it was too immature of me to sue them after they nearly k*lled me.
**I was 14 years old, Stephannie and Sophie that day they turned 17.**.
#22
Bill Burr told a joke
No one thinks they have an anger problem until they punch out the clown at their kid’s birthday party
For whatever reason it really made me step back and ask why the hell am I so angry all the god damn time? Because my parents never wanted a kid so they raised me like a dog.
>You’ve got treats! You’ve got toys! Food and shelter! Why do you keep bothering me?
When I dropped out of high school I was practically god damn feral. No social skills, no discipline, not even a personality. The end result of neglect and emotional abuse.
Its been a real trip to experience a supportive, emotional and loving relationship for the first time as an adult though. I’ve really got the most wonderful wife on the planet.
edit: People are still reading this so I kind of want to pull this back a bit. My parents aren’t bad people they are victims of far worse abuse. My grandfather was straight off the set of Mad Men and my great grandfather (other side) was a nazi pedophile. Insert anchorman gif here. Bill Burr talks a lot about generational improvement and that’s the way I really view this. It excites me to think that if I work hard enough on my own problems my kids will be the “chosen ones” who get to be the right mix of f****d up and normal.
Image credits: SpaceMarineSpiff
#23
My aunt called my dad to tell him that I was basically going to hell because I didn’t believe the earth was 6,000 years old and that dinosaurs are fake.
As you may have guessed, she’s a real gem at Christmas time.
#24
Years ago I was in the hospital after getting stabbed in the abdomen. Went under and the ems had to bring me back, woke up in the hospital full of stitches, but still alive.
I had a really great group of friends that came throughout the weeks of my being there. To the point that I got my own room because it was disturbing fellow patients I shared a room with and the staff were super nice about it.
Only family member to visit was my younger sister. My mom, dad, other four siblings…. None of them came, and my mom only phoned and communicated to me through the nurses, never speaking directly to me until I was back at home.
And this was during a time where we actually had a decent (comparative to other times in life) relationship.
Image credits: Wage_slave
#25
Meeting regular parents and witnessing them actually be good to their kids,help them,love them and teach them valuable lessons about life. Not yelling for every small mistake they did. Also now realising that not every raised hand is about to hit you sometimes its there to pet you. But unfortunately for me it wasn’t the case.
Image credits: PrinceofFear
#26
My wife helped me come to the realization. Out of myself and my two brothers, i was the only one to have never been arrested, yet i was the only my parents did not buy a car for. I had to be moved out of the house, two f*****g states away and teach myself how to drive illegally to get my drivers license, but my brothers were sure taken care of and driving to school on their own. I had my wife (girlfriend at the time) over to my parents for christmas dinner. My mom offers me a glass of champagne, about 2 months before my 21st birthday. No big deal, right? My stepdad proceeds to throw a temper tantrum about how im underage and not in his house and all this s**t. Well a couple months later found out he bought my little brother ( his biological child) a bottle of high end bourbon for his 18th birthday. When i was in the service they had a whole bunch of deep sea fishing trips and pro sports games they would go to without even so much as asking if i could come. They didnt come to my bootcamp graduation that i offered to pay for. didnt see me off when i was deployed. wasnt there when i came back. great times. Much more s**t i cant think of right now.
Image credits: anon
#27
Reading this thread!
I never thought the fighting, arguing, cold wars, unidirectional communications, long lack of communication, were actually because I am in a toxic family.
Maybe I am part of the problem too.
Will work hard trying to not repeat that with my kids. Hope…
#28
I was about 23/22 when my mom got drunk and starting throwing my stuff on the front lawn and yelling at me to move out. The o ly thing I can recall doing was taking a shower before work. She pushed me outside and I just stood there looking at my stuff and thought “I have to get out of here and I can never come back.”
That was like 13 years ago. I found a room to rent on Craigslist, went back to school and got a career, got married, and bought a house. I’m doing good now but I never returned home until after my mom died.
#29
11 years old when my mom and i came home to my aunt stealing our stereo equipment, when my mom confronted her, she pulled a knife. at the same moment my uncle happened to be driving by, slammed on the breaks, reversed and then came into the yard on the lawn and hit the corner of the house a little bit, jumped out of the van and pulled a gun on my aunt.
as my mom unpacked everything to me later she explained that my aunt was stealing to get money for her d**g habit. much later i found out that my uncle was high as a kite and shouldn’t have been driving at all. i look back on that day as the day i decided not to do d***s.
to be fair my nuclear family was generally your standard loving functional family. it was just my moms half siblings that were toxic, always taking money and never around unless they had to. after my mom died my aunt called me looking for money and i pretty much hung up and never talked to any of them again.
#30
The day I joined a specialty school and was informed that it was not, in fact, normal for my father and brother to relentlessly mock me for my Autism.
Literally spent 15 years being called horrid things and being patronized for my interests, and I legitimately thought that was just what male family members did, because my mother would never stop them.
Image credits: Circecil
#31
Told my mom I was depressed and she basically told me to deal with it myself.
That was four years ago and I’m still having a s****y time of it.
Image credits: whatshiscramps
#32
Whenever my mom would always tell me that I love my friends more than my family everytime I get home from hanging out with my friends. Note that I seldom do leave the house to hang out with them (once every other week tops because I’m mostly introverted).
It’s even worse if I go out for two consecutive days or more smh. It’s suffocating and stupid, really.
Image credits: Athmi97
#33
When I was 4 years old my mom told me that my parents divorced because Dad was a d**g / alcohol addict. She neglected to mention her own problems but suffice to say I’ve been stuck in the middle of their drama for 31 years now as an only child. I remember my dad not showing up to my school’s thanksgiving and eating alone. I remember sitting in the car watching my parents scream at each other. This happened again in high school when they put me in a mental hospital and the therapist tried to do family therapy. Lol. Now they fight over my child.
Image credits: cemeteryfairy666
#34
I was at a family gathering a couple years ago for Christmas and my uncle got genuinely mad when I refused a beer from him. I was 13. My parents stood up for me so I definitely appreciate that.
#35
My mom makes up lies then makes me look like the liar.
Image credits: anon
#36
Every time I said I like this or that I got immediately criticized or questioned or made fun of to make me feel like s**t.
#37
I’m 23, but my opinion doesn’t matter for I’m the youngest in the family.
Image credits: Voodoo_Doll1996
#38
When my mom and dad finally separated because they finally admitted that all that fighting wasn’t normal. I’d talked to them in my young teens about how I hate how they fight so much, and my mom said all married couples fight like that and that it was normal.
Now I’m 18 and they separated this year, and they realized it is not normal or healthy to have “discussions” that involve screaming, tears, clenched fists and everything short of physically harming each other nearly every day. Neither of them are abusive, they are both good parents but they were just in a bad relationship and thought that staying together would make me and my sisters happier, when in reality I wish they would’ve separated years ago. They brought out the worst in each other.
And my mom came out as lesbian so part of the reason she was angry all the time was from repressing her sexuality.
Image credits: slekrons
#39
In general, my siblings constantly critize and mock me for everything I do. They will both gang up on me when all three of us are together. Christmas is no longer enjoyable.
My dad abused my mum and my siblings as kids. He refuses to believe he ever did it.
My mum saw my cuts and didn’t try to get me help.
I’m seventeen. I live with mum, just me and her. Some days I think about going to live with my dad for a while, or with my sister when she offers…but then I remember either way I’ll be unhappy.
Image credits: DevilAngel9
#40
My dad would offend have arguments with my mum, my mum would run off and my dad would tell me (a child 6-14) that she was going to k*ll her self.
#41
Realizing how unapproachable they are. I don’t feel comfortable talking with anyone. That’s why I have Reddit.
#42
When my dad had to fess up about getting his side girl pregnant.
#43
When I read the definition for “parentification” somewhere on Reddit and quarantine. My father is paralyzed and my mom can be childish or immature at times, but she tries her best and works two jobs. I have been taking care of my sister since she entered Kindergarten, which included waking her up, making sure she was dressed and cleaned, and making her meals. Now that we’re in quarantine, I do everything around the house (cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, etc.) and I sometimes have to do grocery runs. I hadn’t known this wasn’t normal until recently, and I honestly don’t know how to feel about it.
#44
My mom attacking me and lying to the police to make it seem like I prompted the fight and threatened me w a criminal record 🙁 I’m not someone who fights im just a lil nerd.
#45
When my mom told me to stop coming in and talking about the things I enjoyed because they didn’t care and it was being disruptive. There were other signs before that but that’s one that’s seared into the back of my mind.
#46
I married into a toxic family.
My husband realized it when his sister attacked me (verbally-out of the blue) to him for an hour…and then blamed him for making her husband hate the entire family… everyone else in the family who was within earshot all claimed to have not noticed or heard anything. It was loud and long. They knew. He was pretty shellshocked by the whole thing. It was ignored and NEVER resolved or discussed.
It’s a very large family.
I have been the black sheep ever since even though I wasn’t even in the ‘fight’.
I would actually take responsibily for anything if I knew what made her so mad at the time.
I apologized to her and she has never even admitted anything happened.
She was having a really tough time in her marriage and is now divorced.
We didn’t live in town so each visit was a nice pleasant and we all got along fine prior to this.
#47
Parents fighting every time they’re in the same room and one of them always complains about the other. I’m 21 and they still do this.
#48
I was at my grandmother’s house and there was a guy outside working in the yard. I’d say roughly mid to late 30’s, kinda disheveled appearance. And he had talked to my parents about payment for work and what else had to be done and all that jazz.
He goes back to working and my mom comments on his appearance and how he may have “not went to school.” I called her out on it, especially since my parents go to church and keep Christian paraphernalia around the house. She stumbled for an excuse but couldn’t find one to justify her behavior.
My dad in particular tends to talk s**t about anyone who either he feels is beneath him or that he feels is “dumb.”.
#49
When my mom told me, “Don’t tell me I’m wrong. It’s rude. Even if it will hurt others, I’m not wrong because I’m older than you.”.
#50
Waking up every day to my dad screaming at my mom as a kid, and my mom aying the victim’s to blame for domestic violence too.