Life presents us with various complicated relationships, whether it’s between a boss and employee, husband and wife, or professor and student. However, the one between a spouse and mother-in-law can sometimes be the most challenging, especially when it comes to protecting their own families.
At the beginning of her marriage, redditor Legitimate_Ant_1293 wouldn’t have agreed with this. However, after moving a few states away and giving birth, her relationship with her husband’s mother became increasingly worse. It reached a point where the MIL started spreading awful rumors about her grandchild, leading to a defamation lawsuit against her.
Relationships between a spouse and mother-in-law can be challenging
Image credits: LightFieldStudios / envato (not the actual photo)
This MIL even started spreading awful rumors about her grandchild to ‘protect’ her family
Image credits: Prostock-studio / envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Legitimate_Ant_1293
It’s important to learn to recognize toxic actions, as they can invalidate and negatively affect a person’s self-esteem and mental health
Tricia Johnson, a licensed clinical social worker practicing individual therapy, explains that noticing signs of toxic people can be difficult, as they use subtle methods of control and manipulation. With mothers-in-law, such behavior may be particularly unnoticeable to others, including their own children.
However, it’s important to learn to recognize their toxic actions, as they can invalidate and sometimes even affect a person’s self-esteem and mental health. The first red flag to be aware of is if the mother-in-law doesn’t respect any boundaries. Boundary setting isn’t a thing to take lightly – many people spend a lot of time refining this valuable skill. When it’s flouted, whether by encouraging the spouse to keep secrets, showing up unannounced, or criticizing parenting style, it can cause chaos and even bigger issues in the long run.
Another sign of a toxic mother-in-law is thinking that she’s always right, without any exceptions. She is usually going to have many opinions on how to take care of your home, children, or spouse. And if any differences in views or minor disputes appear, she might convince everyone to take her side.
Some other indications include her being impossible to please, behaving differently when a spouse is not around, acting passively aggressively, fostering self-doubt, and ignoring the additional member of the family. In addition, it’s important to note that toxic mothers-in-law may not reveal their true behavior in the beginning. After a while, they might start showing a different side of themselves by using silent treatment or gaslighting.
Chances are, the children-in-law are just triggers, and MIL’s negative behavior comes from unfortunate past experiences or her upbringing
The bad news is that if any signs sound familiar, you may have to deal with a toxic mother-in-law for a long time. Most likely, their behavior isn’t going to change, but there are ways to be able to cope with it. The first thing to do is to communicate with your spouse about it. It might be difficult, especially if they’re protective of their family. But maintaining honesty is essential in this situation, and ideally, you might be able to establish boundaries around your mother-in-law’s behaviors that aren’t acceptable.
The next step might be to pass on this information to the culprit herself – the mother-in-law. Experts advise you to sit down together and calmly express your feelings, hoping she hasn’t realized how her behavior affected you. Since there can be a lot of emotions involved, it can be useful to prepare notes for the talk and start statements with ‘I feel’ instead of accusatory ‘You..’
If communication doesn’t work, it might be best to reduce any contact with the mother-in-law. However, the spouse shouldn’t be stripped of their time with their parent. When they meet with their mom – use this opportunity to practice some self-care. The issue will be largely minimized by limiting exposure to negativity.
Something that might additionally help is keeping in mind that the mother-in-law is who she is. Chances are, the daughter or son-in-law are just triggers, and her negative behavior comes from unfortunate past experiences or her upbringing. For the sake of your peace and your marriage, managing expectations can spare frustration and disappointment in the future.
Readers were shocked about MIL’s actions and suggested what to do
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