Despite HR reminding their companies that good onboarding matters, most managers don’t get the message. A recent survey found that only 52% of new hires feel satisfied with how theirs went, with 32% finding it confusing and 22% disorganized.
For better or worse, the old sharks also play a role in it. One way they do this is by highlighting the newcomer’s lack of knowledge and/or experience.
A few days ago, Reddit user ArklaitGigabyte asked workers on the platform to share their industry’s equivalent of “bring me blinker fluid” and their call was answered — as of now their post has 6.2K comments, many of which (hilariously) underscore the challenges of fitting into an unfamiliar professional environment.
#1
Me setting up gas/air lines in the prenatal chemistry lab: *Hey new kid, go get me a roll of fallopian tubing*.
Image credits: ThadisJones
#2
Send the apprentice to get the wire stretcher.
Have the apprentice hold a bucket under a cut cable to catch the extra amps that leak out.
Image credits: MontCoDubV
#3
When I was in the Marine Corps, I was in the air wing as a repair squadron as a tin bender. My Sargent told me to go to the supply building and get 100ft of flight line. I already knew about this since my buddy worked in supply. So I said “sir, yes sir” and just spent two hours hanging out with Buddy. When I get back I pretend to be confused and he has a good laugh. Win, win all around.
Image credits: renatijd
#4
I worked at Best Buy in college and we would have tell the new guy that when they clocked out they needed to hit #19 on the desk phone and say they were leaving for the day, what they accomplished, and their favorite part of the day. We told them it was an automated time and labor tool that automatically clocked them out . Really it called the stores intercom system and blared it over the loud speakers for everyone in the store. Pretty embarrassing and gave all the rest of us a good chuckle. The best part it was delayed so they typically made it all the way across the store until it started to play back.
Image credits: BD-TxState
#5
This isn’t going to all fit, go get the shelf stretcher.
Image credits: crburton1s
#6
I work on an airfield. We have the new guys stand outside holding a piece of printer paper above their heads at night so the air traffic controllers can “calibrate the light gun”. It’s literally just a fancy flash light.
We had one guy stand out there for almost 20 minutes before he realized we were messing with him.
Image credits: Spinach_Puffs
#7
When I worked at Pizza Hut in the 90s we would send the new driver to another Pizza Hut to get our cheese grater. We would call ahead and that store would send them to KFC, KFC would send them to Burger King. I don’t recall it going farther than that.
Image credits: Alchemister5
#8
“WD-40 isn’t gonna be quite strong enough. run to the supply room and get a can of WD-41”.
Image credits: gooningdrywaller
#9
I used to work in a diesel engine manufacturing plant.
We would send new people to the parts cage to get spark plugs.
Image credits: chogram
#10
Rock climbing guide. I constantly get people asking how I get the ropes up. My coworkers and I all have different answers varying from “there’s a ladder/elevator in the back of the rock” to “we retrained old mail carrier pigeons” or “grappling hook.”
I’ve had a shocking amount of people who will walk around to look for a ladder then glare at me later once they realized the joke on them.
Image credits: fool_of_a_Took420
#11
In anesthesia, sometimes we ask the patient, “let me know when you’re asleep.”.
Image credits: BJ_Orange
#12
Asking to check the to see if the new guy’s hammer has a whee. Then tossing it as far as possible. .
Image credits: Canadairy
#13
Ah, yes, such things are rite of passsage in the military. I have sent people (and been sent, myself) to supply for a viariety of things, such as:
An ID ten T (ID10T)
B A eleven hundred NST rings (balloon strings)
A length of flight line
A roll of fallopian tube
A bucket of prop wash
A tube of squelch grease
Muffler bearings
Chemlight Batteries
Rear-view Mirror fluid
A box of ground guides
A bag of grid squares
I’ve also given the new guy a hammer a piece of chalk and told him to find all the soft spots in the armor of an MRAP, and given people a box of trash bags and sent them into the motor pool to take exhaust samples.
The one that really got me into trouble, though, was when I sent someone around the operations center to collect the EMHO Report (that stands for Early Morning Hard On); the Major in charge of operations didn’t think it was funny *at all* and almost brought me up on several counts of sexual harassment charges (I was 23 and stupid). My platoon sergeant was able to talk her down from that, but I was in the professional doghouse for *months* afterward.
Image credits: ComesInAnOldBox
#14
I’m a nurse and used to work in hospitals. We had little biohazard bags that we would use to send tubes of blood and other assorted bodily fluids to the lab for tests. I had a fellow nurse who would blow a bag full of air and label it “fart sample”, then give it to an unsuspecting unit secretary. One poor secretary failed to find any fart test orders in the computer and asked us how to enter it in ?.
Image credits: reverse-will
#15
‘Quick, go get the left handed chopping board’ or ‘Quick, I need the left handed knife’
Or my favourite….’Why don’t you go chop up some flour’.
Image credits: LairdIronJaw
#16
I like to write on a piece of paper “help I’m stuck in the copy machine” and scan-to email from a central unit to a coworkers’s inbox. Alternatively, I just write it on a piece of copy paper and put it back in the hopper so it shows up on someone’s print job.
Image credits: igotfiveonit
#17
Two cans of steam. My buddy confused the heck out of a trainee in the kitchen by, during a rush, frantically telling him to go and get two cans of steam from the back.
Image credits: Kind_Of_A_Dick
#18
I don’t know if there is something like that in my profession (MEP/building engineer) but one of my professors told a story when he first got out of school and got a job, and the first thing they asked him to do was figure out the transformer to feed a panel. So, he spent the next few hours calculating turn ratio, iron core thickness, and other parameters of a transformer. Wrote it all down and took it to the senior engineer to review his work. The senior engineer took one look at what he did, pulled a catalog off his shelf (this was before the internet), opened it up and pointed to a transformer available to buy. “That’s all you need to do”, he said.
Image credits: eaglescout1984
#19
At Domino’s when we’re stretching the pizza dough and accidentally rip a hole in it it’s common to ask the newbie to get the Dough Patch Repair Kit. Once I had a new guy running around the store for a good 15 minutes trying to find it, asking everyone he could if they’ve seen it.
Image credits: GoatPudding
#20
Aluminum magnets, left handed screwdriver for the left handed thread.
Image credits: Tmavy
#21
Working at a McDonalds in the mid to late 1990s we’d sent the new employees out into the lobby to water the numerous plants in the entire seating area – they were all fake plants.
Image credits: SupplyChainNext
#22
Grab the wood stretcher.
#23
In the medical field, asking a student or newbie to fetch some “fallopian tubes” is a tongue-in-cheek task. It’s particularly funny in contexts where such anatomical parts aren’t relevant, adding to the absurdity.
#24
In the IT department, asking someone to fetch a “wireless Ethernet cable” is a popular joke. It’s funny because Ethernet cables, by definition, cannot be wireless. It’s a great way to gauge someone’s understanding of networking basics.
Image credits: DropPsychological882
#25
So in cinematography, the iris of a lens is measured in T stops (photography measures them in F stops, there is a nuanced difference between the two, but they’re pretty much interchangeable).
New people usually get the “bring me a box of T stops”, or “I need a bottle of T-stop fluid” Neither of these exist. one of my mentors early in his career was working on a shoot on an aircraft carrier and was hit with the “bottle of t-stop Fluid” order, and being the eager young camera PA he was, he went looking for it. Of course, it was no where to be found in lock up, and no one would tell him it didn’t exist. He eventually finds himself standing next to a group of flight mechanics (whom he mistook as a grips).
He says something along the lines of, “they’re asking me to find a bottle of T-stop fluid, but I can’t find it anywhere”.
One of the mechanics responds, “T-stop fluid? oh I have a bunch of that, hold on,” and grabs him a bottle of T-stop fluid. Apparently while it isn’t something that is used in filmmaking, it is something that exists for use in fighter jets or something. The look of bewilderment on the cinematographer’s face when my mentor handed him a bottle of T-stop fluid must have been hilarious.
This was a few decades ago, I don’t think this type of hazing is allowed on set anymore. That said, I have heard early in my career, “Find a long wait (weight)”.
Also, if you ever ask a film crew what they’re shooting, a lot of the time, they’re going to tell you that they’re shooting a mayonnaise commercial. It’s sort of an inside joke, but really it’s just a catch all to tell lookie-lous something, when more often than not they’re either too busy to actually give an answer, or are working on something that is using a codename where if someone recognized the actual project, it could pose a security risk.
#26
When I worked in restaurants, we would haze the new people by having them empty the water out of the coffee machine that was connected to the water supply. We’d usually let them go for about 10 minutes or so. If they were smart, they figured it out. It was a good way of seeing who was going to be a high functioning member of the team.
Image credits: cjs81268
#27
We sent out an apprentice for some left-handed frying pans and a bacon stretcher. The other pubs in the area played into it and sent him on a wild goose chase. Guy still got paid for his time though so it was just a fun prank.
Image credits: Kotkaniemo
#28
We need some left-handed nitrile gloves.
#29
Pneumatic fluid. Or in scouts sending someone around to find a left handed spatula.
Image credits: aeyockey
#30
Go grab the box of f-stops from the camera bag.
Image credits: MrRandomNumber
#31
FYI a snipe is a bird. So one could find a snipe.
Snipes are famously hard to hunt. They get spooked real easy and would have unpredictable flight patterns. That’s where the words sniping and later on sniper come from.
Image credits: Petrus_Rock
#32
Jump up and down on top of an Army tank to check the shocks. Also walk around it and hit it with a mallet to check for soft spots.
Image credits: Parking_War_4100
#33
When I worked at Starbucks we had a spout that produced hot, filtered water. We would occasionally tell newbies they had to drain all the hot water before closing.
Image credits: NeverNotAnIdiot
#34
In Germany a spirit level is called Wasserwaage (water scale). So the kids are sent out to get the Ausgleichgewichte (balancing weights) for the Wasserwaage.
But I’m glad that my company doesn’t allow that s**t. You got a little kid in front of you. That kid is 16/17/18. They are nervous as f**k. No need to take them down even more just because it gives you a warm fuzzy feeling of being smarter. If that’s what you are aiming for… Seems like a sad life.
Be a mentor, don’t be an a*****e.
Image credits: Fitz911
#35
Surgeon here. We peel tissue off bones and cartilage with various named types of “elevators” to elevate tissue. So we’d ask new scrub tech’s to pass an Otis elevator.
(That’s the company that makes regular elevators in buildings).
Image credits: pro_nosepicker
#36
I work on hospitality, I grab a corded landline phone and walk down the hallway pretending I’m talking to someone and say “yes xxxxx is here let me hand them the phone”.
Image credits: Wohv6
#37
Warehousing: Hey new guy, we gotta make some more room over here. Go to maintenance and ask em for the aisle stretcher.
There was also one time we sent a guy to look for a bucket of steam, but I can’t remember the context of the situation too well.
#38
Press the “any” key.
#39
A metric spirit level. It’s was great for the (I’m smarter than this) cautious lads.
#40
A guy I knew was sent off to get a record weight.
#41
One time someone from geek squad told me they “decouple the ram” as part of their computer service. In IT, that’s not a thing. Also never, ever, ever get computer work done a geek squad. Do you think a competent computer repair person is going to work for near minimum wage?
#42
In the Marines, you’d send the newbs to find the Humvee keys (push button start) or the PRC-E7.
The latter was a play on the PRC-77, pronounced “Prick 77” and E-7, the pay grade for a Gunnery Sergeant. Basically you’re sending the dude to get yelled at by an agitated higher ranking fellow who he’s going to call a prick.
#43
Glass hammer… when I got my first apprentice job in manufacturing the person I was shadowing sent me to the managers office to ask for one, he was in the middle of a meeting so I knocked on, he waved me in and I asked for it in front of about 7 fully experienced upper management people… they all looked at me for a second and then burst out laughing ?.
#44
Stir the tank water on the fire engine with a broom handle, then add lemon juice to keep the Ph juuuuuuust right.
#45
Waffle House. (Or any restaurant really)
Regular omelettes use eggs whipped in a high-speed blender.
Got a new cook? After training the regular way, ask them to make an EGG WHITE omelette with no further instructions.
And now they know how to make “fried merengue” :).
#46
Fun fact…
I know a guy who started a company selling “blinker fluid” just to make a buck off people who still think this is funny.
He gets angry email messages from senior mechanics all the time, who made the mistake of telling the new guy to get blinker fluid, only for the new guy to realise they didn’t have any, and to ask purchasing to order a palletload.
Apparently, this extremely specific scenario happens enough for him to drive a current year car.