One of the best things about childhood is its sheer randomness. Yet uncorrupted by society and its rules, kids can get away with doing most things, including saying anything that comes to their mind. Lucky for us, this often results in funny and unexpected sentences that are just too good not to share.
Recently, adults in this online thread were doing exactly that—posting the most hilarious and weirdest things a child has said to them.
Fancy a laugh? All you have to do is scroll down and giggle at the #nofilter wisdom these kids shared with grown people.
Image credits: SolidUltra
#1
Not me but my mom who used to teach younger children once had a kid tell her that the kids mom actually had a p*nis too, just like dads do. My mom reacted with scepticism and then the kid blurted out ”No she really does, I’ve seen it myself in her bedroom drawer”.
Image credits: JoelHenryJonsson
#2
Once when i was a kid, i asked my grandma if she remembers how dinosaurs looked like ?.
Image credits: MissMistMaid
#3
I heard a little girl once say that she was mad at her dad because he had bigger breasts then she does! I was dying lmao.
Image credits: RonJeremyBellyButton
#4
My niece asked me why didn’t I let my hair grow on the central side of my scalp ^^
She doesn’t know about hair loss yet.
Image credits: MarceloBielsa70
#5
I was working as a cashier and a couple came to my till with their young son (maybe like 5 years old or so). I go to give them their receipt and tell them to have a good day. The kid responded to this with “Thanks Baby, I love you!”.
Image credits: starrfast
#6
A kid has told me once “sir do you know that my dad eats my mom every night” his mom smacked his back and left without looking at me ?.
Image credits: SolidUltra
#7
My son, at 9yo told me I couldn’t give him almonds in his lunchbox because it was No Nut November.
Image credits: SereniaKat
#8
There was something stuck in the headphone port of my phone, so I tried to suck it out, which worked. Some kid then asked me why I was trying to vape from my phone.
Image credits: Supersaiajinblue
#9
Yesterday a kid said to me “you look like you suck at basketball”.
Image credits: Car_loapher
#10
I told a little girl one time that her shoes were on the wrong feet. She busted out crying and said, “But these are the only feet I’ve got!”.
Image credits: Comprehensive_Debt_7
#11
My stepdaughter was about 5/6 when I got pregnant with her half brother, I was getting dressed one morning and she looked at the stretchmarks on my 7/8 month along belly and asked ‘why did the baby write all over your tummy’? Still one of my most precious memories of when she was little!
Image credits: HEB33
#12
When I was a kid I was watching my dog doing dog things and I said to my mom, “I wish I was a dog.”
“Why is that, sweetie?”
“So I could see what my nuts taste like.”.
Image credits: dontcalmdown
#13
My kid is 4 and we were talking about space. In space, there are asteroids, planets, and black holes.
He misunderstood and confidently said “there are butts in space”.
Image credits: maxis2bored
#14
A third grader said: “I hate friction!”(fractions).
Image credits: randomperson429
#15
My kids were getting in the car when my daughter (7) elbowed my son (5) between the legs, conversation went as follows…
Son: ow my peanuts!
Me: your what?
Daughter: his peanuts
Me: what’s that?
Daughter: it’s another name for winky that I heard at school.
I didn’t correct them as it’s just too funny.
Image credits: 83nno
#16
Helping my grandmother go grocery shopping with my much younger cousins. Took one up to the bathroom while she grabbed a few more things. As we were walking back to her, he, very loudly, says “look! It’s grandmas special juice!”. While pointing at the wine aisle.
Image credits: Huge_Policy_6517
#17
A kid once told my mother’s coworker (a 60year old kindergarten teacher) “madame, even though you’re old and ugly I still love you”.
Image credits: StarFlame_228
#18
I had a kid that couldn’t be older than six ask to fight me while standing in line at the movies. I told him “no thanks,” and that seemed to be an acceptable response.
Image credits: starlet25
#19
I used to give my kid a five dollar bill to tip the pizza guys. He loved it, it made him feel like a big kid. Once, when he was about four, I gave him a fiver and he leaned in real close and said “if you give me fifty bucks, I’ll k*ll Superman”.
Image credits: linecookdaddy
#20
I worked as a nurse in a pre school. I was sitting on a bench and a 5 year old boy comes up to me and says “well, what’s this pretty little angels name”.
Image credits: Fnordaughter
#21
Reminds me of when my mom was looking at baby photos of me, and there was a picture of her and tiny me on her lap. i asked where my younger brother was, since he wasn’t in the photo, and she responded with “he’s in mommy’s tummy.” this was the first time my conscious mind had been introduced to the concept of pregnancy, as my response was a wide-eyed glare followed by “YOU ATE HIM???”
#22
My 5 year old calls the concession stand at arenas the “concussion stand.” Very unfortunate and has got some weird looks.
Image credits: dadchem
#23
I walked into the living room and my 5-year-old son was sitting on the couch in a shirt and underwear only. I asked him why he was sitting there like that and he says:
“I changed my mind about pants.”.
Image credits: wossquee
#24
So one of my closest friends before we got really close and just got to know is each other we would face time and on day in face time she introduced me to her family and one day I visited my besties house and the first thing one of her little sisters says is “you look even uglier in person”.
Image credits: Orangecat_crz
#25
(Talking s**t is our love language, no feelings were hurt)
Not to me, but my daughters were bickering and my youngest says “at least I wasn’t an accident!” and her sister didn’t miss a beat and shot back “no, you were a mistake”. I laughed so damn hard.
Image credits: Taodragons
#26
My niece asked me if she can have a piece of skin from the cadavers I work with so she can give it to her boyfriend for Valentine’s Day this year.
They’re 8.
Image credits: VelvetDreamers
#27
Was studying for a math exam in college and some family friends brought their little kid for dinner. Little guy found his way in my room, said he’s good at math and asked if he could help. “Eh I don’t know, how do you draw the energy plot of a square signal?”, and this kid, confidently amd without missing a beat, “With a pencil”.
#28
I once overheard a kid trying to convince his friend that he had superpowers. When his friend asked what they were, he confidently replied, “I can make all the traffic lights turn green… eventually.” It was a charming mix of innocence and creativity!
Image credits: podhorodynski
#29
I worked at a summer camp where, on a cold and blustery day, a boy at the swim pond loudly and repeatedly cried, “I’VE LOST MY TWO BEST FRIENDS!”
We evacuated the swim pond and started the process for an all-hands pond search. It was at this point that one of the lifeguards noticed the kid’s hands frantically cupping his swim shorts: this was his first time experiencing shrinkage.
Image credits: helixdevotee
#30
My then-4 yr old was wearing a Darth Vader t shirt that said “VADER” across the image of the dude, where the little triangle of the “A” was lined up to the triangle on Vaders mask. Pretty cool right?
Conservative uncle was complimenting his shirt. My little guy replied “Thanks! And hey look. The A-hole is his mouth!!” ? I think uncles soul left his body. Kid had no idea why everyone was laughing so hard.
#31
One of the funniest things one of my children said to me is that scorpions are desert lobsters and I don’t think she is wrong ?.
Image credits: MaitreCanard
#32
My godson asked me to tell a “mad story”. I said I bought a different brand of yogurt and I couldn’t get the cover off, and that made me mad. He asked “Could you get help from an adult?”.
Image credits: Lucinnda
#33
Not to me, but friend’s daughter to him, her dad: “Daddy? Does mommy know you’re my daddy?”
#34
When I went to wake my son up to get ready for school, the very first thing he said to me was daddy my butt has a crack in it.
Image credits: captainz2011
#35
When I was deployed to Afghanistan we got a package from a bunch of elementary school kids. They sent cards, candy, and snacks. On one of the cards was a drawing of a graphic firefight with a bunch of dead soldiers. The only thing the card said was I hope you don’t die. It made everyone laugh and we hung it up in our room lol.
#36
My 3 y.o was upset with mom one day and came to me and said “daddy can we throw mommy in the trash she’s making me mad.”
#37
A 9-11 years old dude called me a wolf man. I was young and around 16-14 y.o. And i had a full size beard….
#38
So my little sister (4) she said ,,i want to became a callboy”
She meant cowgirl…
#39
I was walking into a store and there was a little boy around 7 standing just inside the door and when he saw me he turned to me and said with heartfelt anguish “She said she was only going to be 5 minutes!”.
#40
Years ago I had a goatee and moustache combo. My cousins 7 year old daughter told me that my mouth looked like a v*gina. At the time I was just “um, okay”. Though now I find it a funny story.
#41
I worked at a day care for a bit and they said funny s**t all the time.. one of my favorites was when we were going over fire safety and the main teacher asked the class.. what do you do if you’re on fire? A 3y/o girl shoots her hand up in the air and yells “STOP DROP AND ROCK N ROLL!!!”.
#42
My kid farted and said “there’s a duck in my butt” she was 3 at the time … I lost it.
#43
I was staring at a pillar and the kid was standing in front of me he said “You can try all you want but only I can win this staring contest you don’t know I am”.
#44
I returned to skateboarding after 30 years away. I was at a local skate park and ate s**t. While I was on my back checking my internal systems to determine if anything was broken or bleeding, a young kid rolls up and says, “Damn, are you ok grandpa?!” ??.
#45
When i was at my gfs place for the third time or so her niece asked my gf if we she wants to marry me. My gf laughed and said no, thats way too early. her 7 year old niece then said: that’s right, better look for a guy with more qualities. I was speechless.
#46
Kid: How old are you?
Me: 48
Kid: How did you manage that? I’ve only made it to 8.
#47
An adorable, four-year-old Trick Or Treater rang my doorbell. She looked like Cindy Lou Who from How The Grinch Stole Christmas. As I was giving her a candy bar, she looked me squarely in the eye and said, ‘My parents are getting back together again. I don’t know what happened to my Dad’s girlfriend. My mother hated her.’
#48
I work in a school, so I hear amazingly ridiculous things every day, but the best one I’ve ever heard still goes to a girl called Vanessa in science when I was at high school.
The teacher was explaining the theory of the Big Bang. Vanessa’s hand shoots up to ask a question, the teacher says “yes?”
And Vanessa says staring at the ceiling in what looked like deep thought “so… is that what killed the dinosaurs?”.
#49
My older cousin was obsessed with Shrek. He got a toy microphone for Christmas one year, and was playing with it in the basement while the adults went upstairs for coffee, and all of a sudden they hear him singing Baby Got Back, which donkey sings at the end of Shrek. But my cousin, who couldn’t have been more than 4 at the time, didn’t know the words, so what he actually sang was “I like big butts and I cannot lie, and I like it with pumpkin pie.”.
#50
“Hey lady, let’s watch Avatar The Way Of Water”,
Said an absolute random kid on my way home.
#51
I used to run a small tire shop in the middle of nowhere. We had this one pretty rough customer who would come in always looking for a handout (something on credit). Well she comes in one day with another sob story, and talking about how she knows my father (he owned the place, I just managed it), and how we should give her a tire today and let her pay for it later.
At this point, her son in the car, who can’t be any older than about 7 or 8, leans out the window and yells ‘You ain’t got credit nowhere, momma! That’s what the last guy said!’
Im doing my best to hold it together at this point, and I’m doing a much better job than my brother, who I can hear in the office behind me laughing his a*s off. I don’t know who this last guy was, but he was clearly wise beyond his years.
#52
One of my favorites was when my cousin Burke was about 7 years old and his family took a road trip to get to our place for Christmas. This little guy hops out of the minivan, runs at my Dad screaming “nuts up Mr. Brian!” And punched my Dad right in the balls, funniest thing I’ve ever seen.
#53
Kid in a ski lesson i was teaching: “i want the group name to be golden shower because i love golden showers”.
#54
Daddy why does your teeth smell good?
#55
I worked at a movie theatre that recently was getting s**t on because of new people in the company making poor decisions. I had been planning to leave for a while, and on one of the rougher days, I was helping a mom and her two kids. The youngest daughter, I’d say was maybe 7-9, was waiting for her mom to finish ordering food, and then asked me, “do you hate your job?”
I almost broke laughing right in front of them, and I had to reassure to the mom that it wasn’t exactly an out of place question. I hope that kid goes places.
#56
Our first grader daughter told us that she broke up with her crush.
She said,” I dont have a crush on him anymore, he is so annoying. I want somebody who is serious,smart and who actually listens and makes a good team.”
We asked her the details and told us, she was partnered with her crush during their class activity and they only got 1 point,because this particular boy was just so silly and not good in listening.
#57
Sex ed… not to me, but classmate asking a teacher… “where can i buy absences?”.
#58
*pokes dead bug* Move you b***hole! The race has started!
#59
It wasn’t to me, but to my brother in law. He was driving in his truck with his toddler daughter safely belted into her car seat. To keep her amused during the drive he was asking her what noises different animals make.
“What does a cow say?”
“Moo”
“What does a pig say?”
“Oink, oink!”
Then he decided to mess with her and asks “What does a turtle say?”
She was silent for a moment as she thought about it, then busted out in a big smile and said “Kowabunga dude!”.
#60
I was talking to my 4yr old cousin and i said something along the lines of “oh thats legit” and she said “the word legit scares me it makes me think of monsters” not sure what forged that association in her brain but.
#61
I was at a park with my little brother and some kid came up to him and asked to play. My little brother is shy and kinda hid behind my leg and told the other kid no thanks. This kid had the angriest look and said “WELL THAT’S WHY MY DAD CAN BEAT YOUR DAD”. My little brother started to cry so I picked him up to comfort him, another little boy comes in and tells the rude boy “I don’t think you have a dad, h*e”. And then proceeded to run off while the rude boy cried to his mom. I ended up telling my dad about it and we still laugh to this day over it.
#62
“Why do I have to listen to you, pointy neck?”-from a student at a program for developmentally delayed children. My ego and Adam’s apple were never the same.
#63
My son had two on me that stick in my mind *random conversation* Kid – “Daddy it’s because you’re fat” Me – “while True, that’s not funny” Kid – “it’s a little funny” *holds up hand showing a little bit* I wish I could remember the conversation. But his timing was perfect…and it in fact was a lot of bit funny. Second one: *gives first pair of big Kid underwear* “DAAAAAAAD DAD!!! I have a P*NIS POCKET!!!” he then ran around singing “p*nis pocket” with his hand shoved in the front of his underwear. I couldn’t even breathe I was laughing so hard.
#64
Briefly worked as a volunteer at a pre-school (ages 3-5) and I was sitting helping a couple of the kids put a puzzle together and one of them randomly said, “Can I rap for you?” I was surprised but thought how bad could it be? He then proceeded to rap while his buddy attempted to beatbox.
#65
A few years ago when my cousin was 3, it was Christmas and we were raising turkeys on the farm to sell and a few to keep for ourselves, he had seen them for the few months before and then the next time he saw one was after it had been plucked and prepared. He had this quizzical look on his face and said “but… Where is his face?”.
#66
I used to teach English in China.
One day, I was collecting homework from my 11-year-olds, and out of nowhere, the quietest, most reserved girl in the class pulls her homework out from behind her back, shoves it in my face, and exclaims, “SURPRISE, M**********R!”
The inflection was EXACTLY the same as the meme from Dexter.
I had to hold back my laughter so hard because it was in the middle of class, but the second the students left the classroom, I couldn’t contain myself. I was nearly in tears.
#67
I had a little kid ask me how much I get paid at my job in front of my coworker. Then after I said I cant say asked why, so I had to attempt to explain why grown ups don’t do that, then he goes “so not a lot then?” I was just defeated at that point lol why the mom didn’t intervene? beats me ?♂️He didnt get it lol. ?.
#68
Son’s friend told me that his parents get mad at him for taking long showers. He then said “they act like I’m hogging all the hot water, but um, no I’m not! It’s florida, the water is already hot when they pump it in from the ocean, duh!!”.
#69
I’ve got a good one for this.
I work in a daycare as an educator. One day I was working with the preschool room (roughly 2.5-4 years old). At random the children created a sort of game with me, where they would claim to be different foods and then i would pinch their jacket and mime eating to pretend I was eating that food (e.g. “I’m a broccoli”)
After a little while of only using foods, some of the children started listing non-foods (e.g. “I’m a monkey”, “I’m a worm”), to which I would give a big exaggerated reaction along the lines of “a worm? I don’t want to eat that!
The one response that broke my composure that I just could not manage to play along with because of laughing/surprise: “I’m a disaster!”.
#70
When I’d ask my little nephew to pick up his toys (he was around 4 or 5) it would go something like:
“Hey, buddy, do you want to pick up your toys and put them away”
“No, thanks!”
“….”.
#71
My neighbor’s daughter, like 6 or 7, has said a couple things that stand out. I gave her and her brother each on of the artificial mini koi ponds that I make and sell, everything in it artificial besides stones and the water is resin, and she immediately says that she is going to feed the little fish batteries. I ask why batteries and she just shrugs her shoulders.
#72
A while back my little sister asked me if I was pregnant, so I said yes. She then proceeded to yell at my stomach, saying “I don’t want you” about twice. before looking up towards me asking “why do u have a baby in your tummy” she didn’t look so happy about it.
#73
A few years ago, my nephew (5 years old at the time) looked up at the night sky and said “Oh no… the stars are out”
I asked him why he said “Oh no?”
He replied “Because the stars can see into my soul”
Was so weird…
#74
That I look like an egg.
#75
Me: Nice to meet you. Your name is Dillon right? Younger brother of friend I’m just meeting: are you boy or girl Me: I’m a guy, why? Younger Brother of friend: Your a girl. You have long hair Me: No I’m not Kid: Yes you are Me: Bro I’m not. Might be suprising but I’d actually know. Kid: Why do you have no eyebrows?
8 year olds man.
#76
3rd grade kid “is that Michael Jackson?” pointing at me, made me chuckle nonetheless.
#77
Can I be the kid?
When I was ~4, I examined my mom’s fingernails and said “hm, yours grow out white but mine grow out black”
yes, I was a grubby child.
#78
I said “take me back to 2016!”. My brother told me “why do you say it?” I told him that it is a nostalgia move meaning that I miss the time I was 8. He told me “take me back to 2026!”.
#79
Years ago, in high school, I told a kid (two years younger, so not much of a kid) that he had a subzero IQ.
Kid: *Don’t talk Physics to me*.
#80
Got called a “filthy lizard”.
#81
Omg and one of the cutest things one of my friend’s kids said to me… he was doing karaoke at my house and I said Kid, you’re a Rockstar! And he responds all emotional like.. “noooo, I’m little” ?.
#82
Idk, a pair of kids asked me if I wanted a random rock while I was on a walk the other day. Took me a solid 10 seconds to react, and finally said “yeah, I’d love a rock” it’s just a cute little chunk of brick wall I’m *now obligated to treasure forever, nbd.
#83
My SIL is a daycare teacher and when one of her kids started crying hysterically, another kid asked “what is he squabbling about…?”.
#84
Me at the playground with my son. Little kid comes up to play with us.
Me: What’s your name?
Kid: A*****e
Me: Whaaaaat is your name?
Kid: A*****e
Me: Your name is… A*****e?
Kid’s mom overhearing us: His name is “Axel”. We didn’t really think about it.
#85
Once my niece asked if i also had two lungs.
#86
Was when I was also a kid. Probably 12 or 13 years old.
We were having a big sleepover at a friend’s house. It was like 3 in the morning, and we came up from the basement to the ground floor to see a big blanket of snow outside. Naturally, were like “dude, let’s go outside and walk on the lake.”
One of the guys had a bit of a lisp, and he said incredulously, “you can’t go out there! You’ll break your ankles off!” It was the combination of the ridiculous idea of someone actually breaking their ankles completely off, how sincere he was when he said it, and the lisp that killed us.
#87
My stepdaughter fell onto her a**e.
Apparently she hurt her buttknuckle.
#88
My 5 year old boy when he’s peeing in the morning “dad, it won’t stop!” .
#89
I heard my four year old niece let out a quiet little fart.
Me: eww? Did you just poot?
Niece: No! I farted!