When you sit down for a while and really start thinking about language objectively, you realize that a lot of things don’t really make much sense. There are inconsistencies and irregularities to account for. Not to mention philological decisions that simply sound illogical. But that’s the reality of language—the way it organically evolves isn’t always tidy.

Redditor u/johnnylgarfield started up an intriguing thread about linguistics on r/AskReddit. They asked everyone what, in their opinion, is badly named and what a better name for it would be. For example, why is a group of squid called a ‘shoal’ instead of a ‘squad’? It’s a head-scratcher! Scroll down for some more witty suggestions to improve the English language.

#1

I’m not the first to say it, but “pick-up artists” and “garbage men” should swap titles.

Image credits: GGAllinPartridge

#2

Dentures. Should be Substitooths.

Image credits: donkeyknuckles

#3

Jet ski. Dumb name. Obviously it is a Boatercycle.

Image credits: KYbywayofNY

If we had the power to rename everything and anything, we could have a lot of fun. A snake could become a ‘danger noodle.’ Meanwhile, a hedgehog could proudly call itself an ‘ouch mouse.’ 

However, changing language inorganically is a heck of a task. You would essentially have to convince the majority of English speakers that a thing they’ve been calling one way their entire lives should be called something else.

You would need to provide a compelling reason for everyone to learn to call a thing something else. Not only that, but all of those people then have to get into the habit of calling the thing the name you tried to convince them is more logical. This is going to take a lot of time, resources, and repetition.

#4

I keep seeing people say that contractions should be birthquakes.

Image credits: ssssobtaostobs

#5

Any bacon alternative that is not named Fācon is an abomination.

Image credits: RitaPoonismysister

#6

S’mores flavored Oreos are NOT called “S’moreos.”

I mean, what are they even paying their marketing people for?

It’s much easier to do this with new concepts, products, and technologies. Just look at how quickly AI spread across the globe and became a household term. In the meantime, for many people, ChatGPT has pretty much become the generic go-to term for most large language model chatbots. How this will change in the future is something we can’t wait to witness.

From our perspective, no language will ever be ‘perfect.’ For one, it would be incredibly difficult to come up with a unified understanding of what a perfect language would even mean. On top of that, it’s all of those linguistic quirks that make learning and using languages so enjoyable.

#7

Bee Hotels – lil wooden structure that solitary bees can nest in from time to time.
That’s great – support local wildlife etc.

But seriously, who was the marketing genius that decided NOT to call them all “Bee&Bee”s??

Image credits: L_E_Phantman

#8

Otto Preminger wrote his own biography and failed to title it Otto-Biography. Once in a lifetime pun, and he just threw it away.

Image credits: hippo717

#9

Why is a group of squid called a shoal when it should be called a squad?

Image credits: xdark_realityx

That being said, some aspects frustrate not only your ordinary folks but philology experts as well. Linguist and neuroscience expert Arika Okrentis notes on ‘Aeon’ that “English spelling is ridiculous.”

“Sew and new don’t rhyme. Kernel and colonel do. When you see an ough, you might need to read it out as ‘aw’ (thought), ‘ow’ (drought), ‘uff’ (tough), ‘off’ (cough), ‘oo’ (through), or ‘oh’ (though),” Okrentis points out.

“The ea vowel is usually pronounced ‘ee’ (weak, please, seal, beam) but can also be ‘eh’ (bread, head, wealth, feather). Those two options cover most of it – except for a handful of cases where it’s ‘ay’ (break, steak, great). Oh wait, one more… there’s earth. No wait, there’s also heart,” the expert quips.

#10

“Randomized Double Blind Trial” should be “Trick or Treatment”.

Image credits: RealityTimeshare

#11

Whoever coined the phrase Dad Bod really missed out on Father Figure.

Image credits: dizzyeyedalton

#12

Hemorrhoids should be asteroids obv.

Image credits: UncleDuude

While millions upon millions of people around the globe have learned these linguistic quirks by heart, for non-native speakers, the process can be very frustrating. However, streamlining a language (if even possible) might remove many of the reasons why we fell in love with it in the first place.

Which of the linguistic changes featured in this post would you immediately embrace, dear Pandas? What things would you rename if you could? We’d really like to hear your thoughts on this, so if you have a moment, scroll down to the comments. (Meanwhile, we still think a group of squid should be called a ‘squad’…)

#13

Veterinarian. Should be a dogtor.

Image credits: Nosfer97

#14

Hedgehog. Should be Needlemouse.

Image credits: NoMaineKoonsAllowed

#15

Hand sanitizer should just be hanitizer. All toddlers say it that way and it’s easier.

Image credits: JolieOiseau

#16

Shipments go by land, but cargo goes by sea. That s**t needs to be reversed.

#17

Mini corn dogs should be called corn puppies!!!

Image credits: mikelybarger

#18

My stepdad randomly called the fridge/freezers the oracles of food and it stuck. “Let me ask the oracles of food” sounds way more bad*ss than “let me check what we have in the freezer”.

#19

Now You See Me 2.

Should have been Now You Don’t.

Image credits: igenus44

#20

Almond Milk. Should be called “Nut Juice”!

Image credits: Troubador222

#21

Astronomers should be called skyintists.

Image credits: OreoDad22

#22

“Lisp” should be renamed to anything without an S in it.

Image credits: cornedbeef101

#23

Weather forecast is boring. Weather prophecy is awesome.

Image credits: dire18

#24

The “snooze” button should be renamed the “five more minutes of denial” button.

Image credits: Sharp-Culture7107

#25

Butterflies should be Flutterbys.

Image credits: genderlawyer

#26

Olives should be Greece’s Pieces.

#27

Miscarriages. Think about that – it’s essentially accusing the woman for “mis-carrying” the pregnancy. It places the blame on women for something that’s almost always outside of their control, and traumatic to boot. A much better and more descriptive term would be “pregnancy loss”, which is already used widely in many settings.

Image credits: jollyllama

#28

A group of raccoons is called a “gaze” when the word “heist” is right there.

Image credits: _Captain_Dinosaur_

#29

Emotional baggage should be called grief-case.

#30

[Breasts] sweat —> humidititties.

Image credits: SlientK

#31

Narwhals should be renamed tunacorns.

#32

Fire truck. Should be Water truck.

#33

A red onion is quite clearly a purple onion.

Image credits: GWofJ94

#34

Not original but I love the idea of butt dials being booty calls.

Image credits: freecain

#35

Daylight savings. Should be “pointlessly mess up everyone’s sleep cycle”.

#36

Iceland and Greenland.

#37

Gonorrhea should be an anti-diarrhea medication.

Image credits: Anonymous_oneee

#38

Scarecrows are no crows. They should be called crowscares.

#39

My daughter said podcasts should be called Ear TV, which I wholehearted agree with esp as the name podcasts is basically anachronistic now with the demise of iPods She also said bras should be called b**bytraps – she should probably go into advertising.

#40

Unicorn ? cuz apparently unihorn makes too much sense.

#41

Hot water heater. It’s really a cold water heater.

Image credits: GuliblGuy

#42

Cornhole needs to be changed back to Bean Bag Toss.

#43

Headphones should be headspeakers.

Image credits: frank-sarno

#44

I can’t believe I’m the first to say sexual tension should be renamed to Bangxiety.

#45

As a clarinetist, I hate that the fingering chart (little chart that tells you which fingers to use to play certain notes) is called a fingering chart. It’s suggestive to those with dirty minds. I’m not sure what a better name would be, but someone’s got to have one right?

Geminii27:

Pressure Points

Clari-fier

Clari-key

Fairly-on-note

#46

Trampoline should be called jumpoline.

#47

Abbreviation should be a much shorter word.

ButtMassager:

Abbreve works. Breve’s even better.

#48

Garage, it’s obviously a car hold!

#49

Airports should be called plane stations.

#50

Pointed feet. At least in Dutch, they’re called “spitz-voeten”, with spitzen being the pointes ballerina’s wear.

My daughter looked at my feet and said “you have Barbie feet”, that’s what I call them now. It also reflects a lot better what my ability to walk is.

#51

Broom, it should clearly be called a sweep/sweeper.

#52

From a sign outside of a bar:

Why is it called bisexual when ambisextrous is right there?

#53

Lasagna, I prefer Pasta Cake.

#54

Uterus Didelphys (double uterus) should be called a “twoterus”.

#55

A stroke should be called a Brain Attack.

#56

Uranus. Yeah it sounds like what it sounds like; but it’s also the only planet not named after a Roman god (in fact it’s not named after a god at all, it’s named after a Titan). It’s named after the Greek deity of the sky, and the father of the first generation of Titans.

It would almost be one thing if it was the last planet or something, but nope. Then we have Neptune, which is named after the Roman god of the sea. This leaves Uranus as the etymological sore-thumb of the Solar System.

The better name would be Caelus, because that’s the Roman equivalent, and it doesn’t sound like an inappropriate body part.

#57

Mitch Hedberg nailed it. It’s not a cheese grater, it’s a sponge ruiner.

#58

Fencing (the sport).

“Swashbuckling” has been just *right* there for lo, all these centuries.

#59

Forks should be called Stabby Grabbies.

#60

A driveway should be a parkway and a parkway should be a driveway.

#61

Answering Machines never really got a f*****g name. They were always just like, some left you a message on The Answering Machine. I always thought it should have been The TeleCorder.

#62

I still don’t get how “inflammable” means “flammable.”.

#63

Toothbrush should really be called a teeth brush.

#64

Blowjob doesn’t involve blowing and for most people it’s not their job.

#65

I am giving a serious response.
1. Borderline Personality Disorder is not being on the line between two different things. It is having difficulty regulating emotions.
2. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is not a lack of attention or an overabundance of activity. It is the brain moving too quickly and the body can’t keep up. It is needing to structure things differently to be functional. It is being able to see things that others can’t.
3. Sexual Desire/Interest/Arousal Disorder is not a disorder at all. It is a different sexual orientation: asexuality.

#66

Rhode island isn’t an island.

#67

Killer whales should have been named Sea pandas.

#68

Glove compartment. It should be extra fast food napkin compartment.

#69

Traction should be called gription.

#70

The Great Molasses Flood/Boston Molasses Disaster should have been called The Boston Molassecre.

#71

Air Oven > Air Fryer.

It’s a small oven. It doesn’t just fry. .

#72

Starfish and jellyfish, neither are fish.

#73

Laundry detergent should be called laundry sauce.

#74

Bullfrogs – I’d call ’em chuzwuzzers.

#75

Buildings. Should be builtings.

#76

Faux pa > step-dad.

#77

Queue should be que. like why the extra ue? Its dumb.

#78

Mailman should obviously have been mailmale.

#79

Cookies, it should be bakes.

#80

Why is it called chilly when it’s warm?

#81

Beheading should be called deheading. Not sure how that one slipped.

#82

Near misses in aviation. Did you nearly miss? Then it’s a crash. Really should be a near hit or something.

#83

Birth Control should be called Pregnancy Preventer.

#84

For all intents and purposes Starlink really should have been called Skynet if it wasn’t already taken.

#85

American “football”

Should be something more like Armor Rugby , etc.