Despite the plethora of media around getting married, real, honest depictions of regular married life are few and far between. The result is that many things that couples go through are simply never portrayed, which leads to skewed perceptions among newlyweds.
So someone asked women “What are some brutal marriage truths that are not commonly mentioned?” and folks from across the internet gave their best answers. So get comfortable, perhaps consider taking notes, and scroll through. Be sure to upvote your favorite examples and comment your thoughts and experiences below.
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#1
You’ll never love *everything* about your partner. There will be things that annoy you and vice versa.
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#2
You can throw 100% of yourself into trying to make your marriage work, but if your partner doesn’t contribute or contribute ENOUGH, your marriage can still fail. Your very best isn’t enough to ensure a long and happy relationship—it takes two.
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#3
Pregnancy and childbirth are horrendous on a woman’s body and are often used by abusers as a control tactic to make harder for her to leave. Honestly girls, if he’s pushing you to get a bun in the oven earlier than you would like to, think about what other controlling behaviour you might be brushing off or excusing.
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#4
Wives are more likely to get left by their husbands when diagnosed with terminal or seriously life altering illness. Self reported reasons include “I don’t want to take care of her for the rest of my life”, “I have needs she wont be able to meet while sick”, and “I don’t want to go broke paying for all her medical bills.”
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#5
No matter how evolved your man is, it’s rarely ever going to be a 50/50 split of effort in the marriage. More often than not, the woman puts in more work
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#6
Love is absolutely conditional
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#7
That it’s extremely easy to fall into a routine of being more like roommates. And it happens without you really even noticing; then it’s too late.
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#8
More commitment will not make your partner change for the better. Don’t marry for potential.
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#9
Keep in mind you’re also choosing the father of your children. They can’t help what they’re born into, you can.
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#10
That all the little red flags and small mistakes over the years really do add up and make a diffrence in the long term.
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#11
I’m 48 and I’ve been married 2x. I divorced them both for being c****y, creating more work for me and dragging me down to their sub-par levels. Should I have “picked better”? What am I, a pre-cog? What I’ve learned is men get married to sink into their depths of slovenliness and have a woman clean up after them, pay half of the bills, give them children for them to ignore, make a nice house for their egos and provide regular sex. So – it’s pretty hard to understand all of that up front since they are pretty good at hiding their true intentions and tbh, I don’t think most of them do it maliciously. I think that’s what they think the price of a pretty ring earns them :). A couple of things they don’t mention about marriage: – Men do not think anything domestic is their job. Cleaning, dishes, kids, etc. Not. Their. Job. So – if they do ONE thing domestically related, they think they do EVERYTHING. They also strongly think that mowing the lawn once a week is the exact same as doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare, etc etc. Every single newlywed couple needs to get a housekeeper if you even hope to remain in love with your husband. I don’t care what it costs. Don’t go out to eat – get a housekeeper. Hell, have only one car lol. Otherwise don’t get married. You will hate your life and hate him – because you will be doing everything and he will be playing COD. – Men CAN “see the mess”. If he were a king, he would for sure instruct a servant to clean. But, he claims not to see it. He claims that your standards are “too high”. He will “do it later”. He wants you to “give him a list”. BS. He is LAZY and he thinks housework is woman’s work. And when he got a wife it’s because he was tired of cleaning his own place while you were dating. – Celebrate Christmas? Expect to do it all (as a mom/wife). Don’t expect your stocking to be full. SNL even made a skit about it. – If you go on a girls trip, you will come home to a trashed house. – “JUST COMMUNICATE” is total, utter bs. You cannot communicate with someone who isn’t listening/understanding. You can talk till you are blue in the face. Many men don’t even see women as EQUAL RATIONAL HUMAN BEINGS. Let that sink in. Why would they listen to you? – Always have separate money. NEVER give over your paycheck. You can co-mingle for the joint bills but keep some for yourself and kids. – Men get married when they figure it’s time. Sure they love you but it’s not at all the same as how you feel about it. Am I bitter? Nah. Disappointed? Kinda. Salty? YES. AMA.
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#12
As people age they change. So do their values, desires and needs over time. People mature and get to know themselves. What they need and now what they need 10 years down the line might be different.
You have to KEEP getting to know and KEEP learning about your spouse over time.
#13
Ending a marriage in divorce does not mean the marriage is a failure.
I see too many people believing the length of a marriage is equal to its success. But in my opinion, the success is based on the love between the two people.
My husband is my best friend. I intend to be with him for the rest of my life but I would rather leave him and still love him, than stay married while hating him.
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#14
You will not like your spouse every single day. There may be days where you actively dislike your spouse. And that’s normal.
Note: I’m not talking about abusive situations, more adding some reality to typical marriages.
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#15
Having children usually doesn’t make your marriage better
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#16
Marriage is as much a business relationship as it is a romantic one. If you wouldn’t start a business with someone, you may want to think twice about marrying them. And if you do get married, please stay financially separated and independent.
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#17
According to a study, 25 months after a spouse’s death 61% of men and 19% of women were either remarried or involved in a new romance. Women expressed more negative feelings about forming new romantic relationships.
I also read that by remarrying, men are more likely to basically repair the mental damage caused by their spouse’s death, but the same can not be said for women.
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#18
Being a stay at home partner is really risky and can easily lead to you being abused in some way. You don’t have any income and completely depend on the other partner.
#19
I had a friend who divorced her husband because he changed his mind about kids. Neither of them wanted kids, but one day he decided he did. She told me “he changed his mind, and that’s okay.” It was unfortunate but she was not bitter about it. She knew that sometimes people just change and that’s no one’s fault. Impressed me a lot. I should find out who her therapist is lol
#20
My dear friends husband who seemed like a good person really showed his true colors after her cancer diagnosis. He was all me me me, even when he took her to chemo, stayed and carried on bleating about how tough it was for him to cope. It got so bad the nurses told him to stop coming. He then took to Facebook and did it there, blaming her for abandoning him. He complained about no sex after her kidney was removed and it spread to her bones,breasts and liver. She divorced him and went on to live 5 more years after her terminal diagnosis. 5 glorious years filled with the love of her family and devoted friends. He was vilified for the narcissistic a*hole he was, retired early and disappeared from our company. A real prince among men.
#21
Waiting for marriage to have sex *is* a valid choice. And there are (or can be) good reasons to wait. But what’s often promised is a happy and lasting marriage, and/or an *amazing* sex life if you wait (and misery and divorce if you don’t). Neither marriage nor human sexuality work that way. A happy marriage and a great sex life take *work* from both parties involved to cultivate, and they’re not some divine or karmic reward for playing by the rules.
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#22
Marriages have peaks and valleys. You’ll go through phases where you can’t stand each other.
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#23
When I was married I had to have my gallbladder removed. My ex came up with every excuse under the sun not to see me in hospital, they ranged from “hospitals make me feel uncomfortable to I will be all dirty after work” (umm go home and shower, then come visit me maybe)
Had my surgery on a Friday and was discharged on Saturday, he refused to come and pick me up, sent my elderly neighbour to do it, when I arrived he told me that he hadn’t eaten since Friday and that the animals hadn’t been fed either, so I had to take care of those things, and he’s still unaware of why I left him
#24
I have many friends who divorced because they weren’t happy. Only to still be unhappy after the divorce. I want to tell people: work on yourself before placing blame on your spouse. Unfortunately many people have the mindset if they are unhappy it must be due to the person they are with.
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#25
Marriage is most often an antiquated concept. It locks women into a systems that devalues their work, their worth and their autonomy. I had the notion that there was a higher purpose in a marriage, like a different level of commitment would expand my concept of love (even though I was previously pretty suspicious of marriage). It was not. It seemed like a inescapable burden.
Not crapping on those in happy marriages. It’s just the concept of the institution that I have problems with.
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#26
Married women get paid less.
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#27
If you’re not on the same page in terms of financial behaviors (not beliefs, behaviors) it will be extra hard if not impossible to achieve your goals
People change and there’s no way knowing in which direction
#28
As much as you love your spouse you will seriously want to leave their a*s sometimes!!
#29
Think about the worst things that can befall a married couple/family: infidelity, death of a child, severe illness, disability, job loss, bankruptcy, etc. More than one of these will happen over the course of your marriage. Do you see your partner managing them, what about you?
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#30
You may HATE their family
#31
Love is a choice, not a feeling. Getting married means promising to make that choice for the rest of your life and too many people don’t realise that, instead giving up when they don’t feel the fire anymore.
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#32
That the more intimately you know someone, the more likely they are to hurt your soul.
#33
Thermostat wars are real
Blanket wars are real
Deciding where to eat wars are real
Backseat driving wars are real
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#34
Marrying a woman who already had 3 kids from her previous ex husband all under 8 years old and you don’t want those kids just the mum. We know you both didn’t want us. And kicking each kid out at 17 because you don’t want them around has a profound impact on kids. I am that kid. Now you’re both 70 and sat wondering why 3 kids and their family’s want nothing to do with you. Go figure!
#35
Marriage is not 50/50.
Sometimes it’s 30/70, 80/20, 1/99.
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#36
I haven’t seen pets yet. If you and your partner do not agree on pets, you’re going to have a bad time. I love a house hold of pets, husband does not. Fights have ensued.
#37
There are some things that make the two of you fundamentally incompatible, and these things likely cannot be compromised on. Love is not enough
#38
My biggest lesson has been that the same “fix it” mentality that helps me so well in the workplace where we identify a problem and brainstorm solutions fails horribly in a romantic relationship.
First, I need to connect with my partner and we need to talk about what we appreciate about one another and get into this appreciative, tender space. THEN we can tackle whatever the problem is, collaboratively.
#39
Your spouse and your kids might not get along, and you might have to choose.
#40
marriage involves a LOT of forgiveness.
#41
I don’t think there are any about marriage itself.
People often discuss all the negatives and problems they see about marriage or experience in their own marriages, but those aren’t actually “truths” about marriage as a whole. Each marriage is different. A “brutal truth” you see in your marriage or the marriages of others is all based on your personal perception and your personal experiences rather than “marriage” as a concept.
Marriage is a legal agreement, so the only “brutal truths” are the ones legally built into marriage. If you choose a religious marriage, you may be opting into other “brutal truths” as part of that religious agreement. Other than that, you and your partner make your own truths in your own marriage – no matter how brutal you choose to make them.
#42
Married men are happier than single men.
There’s no difference in the happiness levels between married women and single women.
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#43
If you haven’t healed from your childhood trauma you will bring old unhealthy patterns, habits, behaviors, and cycles into your marriage. Marriage is a commitment to wake up everyday and try to make it work no matter how hard. If even one person stops trying, the Marriage will slowly deteriorate.
#44
Once you get married, people just want to know when you are gonna have kids. They will ask from the day you get married.
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#45
What truth would I like to pass on? That finances can become a real straining point in any marriage, regardless of income level.
My marriage didn’t last and the only thing I remember that we ever fought about was money.
Be open about financial concerns and goals. TALK a lot about things, good and bad and make plans (*and be willing to compromise and revise those plans*) **together**. If I’m ever married again, that’s what I will ask that we do as a couple.
#46
IMO marriage doesn’t have many benefits to women. The men, sure. The women, not so much.
#47
Poverty comes in the door,
Loves goes out the window.
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#48
Women in their 30’s hit a high streak in libido and your husband will become the one suddenly too tired for sex
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#49
The most common thing I think is no one is really at fault. Both parties are at fault for something he or she did. It’s a group effort. No one person made the other person “do” something that caused things to go wrong.
#50
In many cases you’re adopting an adult baby, and expected to roll your eyes good naturedly at his incompetence. His bad moods require your patience, your bad moods are hormonal or typical female hysteria.
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