Even in this day and age in developed countries, there’s still an expectation that men ought to behave in a certain way. Instead of embracing the wide range of human emotions and interests, these men are told to be aggressive while avoiding any sort of vulnerability. This can lead to a lot of issues down the line.
Redditor u/callmevicious sparked an important discussion on the internet after asking people to share the dumbest things they’ve ever heard someone say that ‘real men’ supposedly don’t do. And the idea that ‘real men’ don’t hug their sons is just the tip of the iceberg of toxicity… scroll down to see some of the other awful expectations guys have had set for them.
Bored Panda got in touch with the author of the thread, u/callmevicious, to get their thoughts on toxic and healthy masculinity. You’ll find our interview with the OP as you read on.
#1
Real men don’t put cream in their coffee. I responded with, “real men don’t give a s**t what other men think of their beverage choices.”
Image credits: historymajor44
#2
Well, despite that fact that I’m a 210 pound, masculine former rugby player who drives a pickup and has been married to the same woman for 31 years, i am in fact gay because: * I cook * I like a grande no-whip mocha * I wash my a*s * I say “Good morning” to other dudes * I sometimes drink fruity cocktails * I like chocolate, deserts and sometimes Luna bars * I use a rolling suitcase and wear sunscreen * I like the occassional rom-com and British period piece. Geez, it’s amazing I’m not living in a bathhouse…. WTF?
#3
Real Men don’t show their own children affection or accept affection from them, apparently.
Edit: Holy s**t this blew up. On behalf of all dads out there, I’m sending all of you a virtual hug. Every kid deserves to know they’re loved.
Image credits: Rahkyvah
We wanted to get the thread author’s thoughts on why their thread got so much attention on the internet. According to them, Reddit is “still male-dominated,” which is why the topic made such a big splash.
“We as a society haven’t really focused much on the ‘old school’ pressures we still put on men to appear stoic/strong/etc.,” they told Bored Panda.
We asked redditor u/callmevicious about what could help someone become more aware that they might have toxic masculine values. “Repression leads to perversion. If you feel uncomfortable expressing certain emotions, that’s something you need to work on,” the OP shared their thoughts.
“A certain portion of the population still feels there is a social stigma attached to men expressing emotional vulnerability. It’s when men bottle things up that they begin to feel desperate and feel compelled to reach out to the more extreme male-dominated, and toxic, corners of the internet, looking for understanding.”
#4
A guy at work described something his daughter did as “cute” and then some douche told him that men aren’t supposed to call things cute.
Image credits: bela-77
#5
My dad told me once, “Men don’t say thingy.”
And frankly I agree. A man should speak eloquently. Be sure to enunciate. A say specifically what you mean.
Besides, there are way better words than ‘thingy”.
For example, doohickey, thingamajig, whatchyacallit, or whoswhatsit are of my favorites.
Image credits: ticklish_stank_tater
#6
I was at Joanns and the man behind me in line was buying something for his wife and didn’t have any coupons. I told him about the app and the website and offered to pull up my coupons for him to use.
He laughed and said “Boys don’t use coupons”
So weird. It’s free money. How fragile is your masculinity that you pay full price when you don’t have to.
Image credits: send_cat_pictures
Meanwhile, the redditor shed some light on the main signs of someone who has embraced healthy masculinity. In their opinion, dignity and integrity are the most vital.
“Respect for yourself and others, particularly those who may be more vulnerable or face more of a struggle than you do. Having a sense of community is crucial; feeling both responsible for and needed by those around you,” they said.
“One of the most oft-cited quotes on Reddit is, ‘A child that is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth.’ A lot of these guys feel not only isolated but unwanted. The only solution for it is to leave your keyboard and actually interact with people, without the buffer of a screen between you.”
#7
My former boss would die on the hill of “real men don’t use rolling suitcases.” He’d sooner throw out his shoulder carrying a heavy duffel bag than ever be caught dead rolling a suitcase through an airport.
Edit: forgot to add he also thinks “neck pillows are fruity” and can’t stand when men wear them around their neck on planes. Also, re: the comments about benefits of hiking backpacks, I don’t think I ever saw him sport a two-strap. Fellas, is it gay to have even weight distribution on your shoulders?
Image credits: alffiesta
#8
Once saw a woman on twitter say something like “if a man is too eager when the free bread gets to the table that’s sus” and I was just blown away by that one
Image credits: Soupjam_Stevens
#9
“cry” literally everyone cries stfu.
Image credits: BlueberrirrebeulB
The r/AskReddit thread made a massive splash on the internet. At the time of writing, Reddit user u/callmevicious’ question had 24k upvotes. The topic was incredibly popular, which just goes to show that toxic masculinity is still alive and kicking in this day and age. On the flip side, more men are aware of the dangers it poses.
Verywell Mind points out that toxic masculinity creates “extreme pressure” to behave in ways that are detrimental to their emotional, mental, and physical health. These men are expected to act tough, be aggressive, reject anything even closely resembling femininity, and strive to attain power and status.
#10
Anything behind that is stupid. Literally anything. There is no such thing as “real men”. If you identify as a man, you are a man, no matter what you wear, how you behave, what you do for a living and what gender your partner is.
This “real men don’t” should go die in a fire, no matter what follows behind it.
#11
Not sure if it counts, but a young woman wouldn’t sell me a Luna Bar because it’s made for women. I said “No. It’s marketed to women. But I like this flavor.” She said “I can’t sell it to you. It has estrogen in it.” We had a frustrating back and forth before I finally convinced her that I was willing to take the risk and she sold it to me.
Image credits: NikkoE82
#12
I’ve heard real men don’t drink tea.
Image credits: _eviehalboro
A huge problem with toxic masculinity is that it glorifies unhealthy habits. There’s a warped belief that self-care is meant for women only and that men should just tough things out. The result is that some men avoid going to see doctors when they run into health issues. They also avoid seeking a therapist’s help when they’re struggling with their mental and emotional health because they see it as a sign of weakness.
Meanwhile, the more a man embraces toxic masculinity, the more they are to engage in risky behaviors, from heavy drinking and using tobacco to avoiding veggies and greens. Combine that with the unwillingness to ask for help when health issues pop up and you have a disaster waiting to strike.
#13
1. My cousin was working at a chocolate shop and said a guy barged in asking for “chocolate for MEN.” She never did figure out what he was talking about.
2. My grandfather firmly believed real men didn’t smile in photos. Smiling = gay in his mind (needless to say he was a homophobe).
Image credits: liberaliar
#14
Real men don’t love their women as much as or more than she loves him. He has to always love her less and be less emotional to hold more power in the relationship.
Image credits: Retremeco
#15
I recently saw “If you’re a straight man and go see the Barbie movie you’re 100% a beta” I thought, “I’m so sorry that someone called you a beta once and that ever since you’ve been critical of your fellow man by hamfistedly dissecting everyone’s choices through an arbitrary and nonsensical social hierarchy platform that only exists to a few and matters to less! Bruh, you could do with some content that boldly and artistically tackles some questions of who we are in the universe, society and what real support and true friendship looks like. Maybe go see Barbie?”
Image credits: TheyCallMeDoofus
Broadly speaking, toxic men tend to hold sexist ideals. They tend to think that men are ‘superior’ to women and, so, avoid expressing their emotions, doing housework, and being involved in childcare. This extends to the type of interests, hobbies, and careers ‘real men’ can have. Someone with a toxic masculinity mindset might think, for instance, that anyone who is into dancing, sewing, cooking, or works as a nurse may not be as tough or worthy of respect as others.
These very same men also usually hold homophobic beliefs, often try to intimidate or bully others into submission, and are resistant to change. However, change is very much possible. And it starts with more self-awareness, and the willingness to ask oneself why they’re behaving the way that they are. Embracing the full range of human feelings and asking for help are not signs of weakness. Quite the opposite—they show a man is honest with himself, and has the strength, maturity, self-confidence, and resilience to be vulnerable when needed.
#16
Real men don’t lift under (insert weight). Everyone has to start somewhere d**k head. I have been lifting for years but when I see a new kid try lifting crazy heavy with bad form I warn him it’s a good way to get hurt. If they don’t listen then that’s on them.
Image credits: Sodomy_Steve
#17
“Hug their sons.”
My dad hugged my brother for the first time when he was 18 and graduated high school. Dad was raised by his parents to not show outwardly love towards his children because that would “spoil” us. Our childhood was…odd.
First and last time I saw my dad cry was when his bird hunting dog died. As he dug the hole to bury it in their backyard.
The older generations were tougher, sure, but I know my dad would have benefited greatly from being hugged more as a child. That s**t gets passed down.
Image credits: AWL_cow
#18
“Real men don’t order dessert.”
I’m sorry, it’s “gay” to like sugar? This real man is gonna deep throat a bananas foster while holding eye contact with you the entire time.
Image credits: tall_pale_and_meh
#19
I was told that really men never look at their nails with their palm down and would only ever look at their nails with their palm up and fingers curled.
I gotta wonder how secure in your masculinity you’ve got to be to spend time even thinking about the right way to look at your nails.
Image credits: totodododo
#20
Change diapers.
We had four kids and I was a union steel worker. I took a withdrawal on the union card because the cost of daycare for children was just ridiculous, so my wife, who was a school teacher carried the benefits and I stayed home with our last kid.
I had more than one ironworker tell me that real men don’t change diapers.
I asked them what they would do if their kid had a dirty diaper, and they all said the same thing.
They would have to sit in it until the wife got home.
It was then I realized how ignorant these guys were.
#21
Real men don’t eat bananas. I just went to a bachelor party where I was the only gay man. I flew in from out of town so I asked the person buying the food for the weekend to get me some bananas for my breakfast. No one else would eat a banana that weekend. One guy even cracked a joke about how it was gay to eat a banana. When I eat a banana I’m thinking about a banana. If you think about a p***s when you see a banana, maybe you have some unresolved issues.
#22
Wear pink. Pink is an awesome color – and you’re a little b***h if you think I’m not rocking an awesome color.
Image credits: InventasBam
#23
I saw a video of a woman saying “Real men don’t eat peanut butter and jelly” and I was flabbergasted.
Image credits: TeamJase
#24
Drink fruity cocktails, dude, my cocktail has 5 spirits in it, it’s way more alcohol than your 3.x% abv. beer and it tastes nice .
Image credits: OstravaBro
#25
Ok so based on this a real man is a guy who:
Is sunburned. Smells because he doesn’t wash his a*s. Screams what he wants with very basic language.
Oh wow the lady must be swooning
#26
“wash their a*s because it makes them gay”
Image credits: vpnme120
#27
“Real men don’t have cats.”
Laughable.
Image credits: WhyAreYouSoSmelly
#28
“Real men never say no to sex”
Image credits: SuvenPan
#29
My friends once introduced me to this guy who was talking REALLY LOUDLY.
I thought maybe he didn’t realize how loud he was being so I said “you’re a little loud.”
Dude said “real men talk loud. Chicks like that.”
I did not like that.
Image credits: liberaliar
#30
My ex husband used to say real men don’t eat popsicles.
Edit to add: my current husband loves popsicles, ex husband was a POS who never got to experience the joy of an icy treat on a hot summer day in the south.
Image credits: cinnamon23
#31
“Read the Instructions”
Image credits: Delicious-Let8429
#32
Wannabe tough guy: “Real men don’t cook… Only women and gay men cook.”
Me: “What about male Chef’s like Gordon Ramsay?”
Response A) They’re closeted gay men.
Or
Response B) A Chef is a paid position so it doesn’t count.
Image credits: mjohnsimon
#33
Eat dessert. Seriously. I was told it was gay to eat dessert. “Because children and women like sweet things.”
F**k you, Paul, I am going to eat this raspberry cheesecake.
#34
“Real men don’t speak French”
When we were kids, my mother would speak to us in French and my dad in English. By pure coincidence, every other bilingual couple we knew was doing it the same way around. So when my little brother was 4, he decided men spoke English and women spoke French. He still understood French perfectly, but he refused to speak it. He’d also burst into tears when he heard an adult speaking the wrong language for their gender.
My mother told the school about this when she registered him for kindergarten. They put him in a class with a male francophone teacher and he got over himself pretty quickly.
#35
“Sleep on their stomachs”
Image credits: Merphee
#36
When I was 14 or so, I got my left ear pierced. An older cousin of mine worked at Piercing Pagoda in the mall (mid 90s), and he did it for me.
When my father noticed, he was beside himself and went on and on about me being a sissy. I removed it right away.
Anyway, it turns out that Dad was a self-hating closet-case. Still is.
#37
Pick anything that Andrew tate prick says and it’s probably gunna be up there with the most stupid
#38
Real men don’t put others first.
I have a big family and a lot of my siblings have problems. I do my best to help them, even if it means putting their needs ahead of mine.
My ex-fiance thought this made me weak. A real man doesn’t take care of other people, he puts himself first and takes what he wants. Going out of my way to help my brother, lending him money when he needed it, spending time giving him advice, made me a little b***h in her eyes.
We’re no longer together.
#39
Real men don’t use straws lol. I’ve always thought like, no, “real men” drink however they damn well please
#40
*… Don’t eat sweet things like candy or chocolate, it’s gay.*
I f*****g love chocolate so I’m probably the biggest gaylord out there.
#41
“Real men don’t let women be on top during sex, because being on the bottom is a submissive position”
Fellas? Is it gay to have sex with a woman?
#42
Have long hair. I don’t understand it at all. If Eddie van Halen can have long hair, then I can too.
#43
Real men dont drink fruity drink, only beers and hard liquor.
F**k off. I drink something if it taste good and i will die before doing 50 differents type of faces just to swallow something that taste like satan b******e and batteries acids
#44
Use umbrellas.
Image credits: Barquebe
#45
The Home Improvement video game.
If you ever played the Home Improvement video game (yes, the Tim Allen sitcom) for Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis/Mega Drive I hope you were intuitive. If you tried to look in the book it came with the instructions were blocked out with a big red stamp:
REAL MEN DON’T NEED INSTRUCTIONS
Appropriate, since it was a mind-boggingly stupid game.
#46
Candice Owens of the Daily Wire recounted an anecdote of how, when her grandmother died, her grandfather didn’t cry at her funeral. She says she wants to live in a society like that, where men never cry ever, even at the funeral of their spouse of 40+ years.
I am, of course, not knocking Candice’s grandfather. Different people process grief in different ways. But Candice’s gatekeeping of proper manly decorum at their wife’s funeral is positively demented.
#47
Wear sunscreen.
Image credits: bubblypersona
#48
Saw on /serverlife, “real men don’t use ice” (for their sparkling water)
#49
Real men don’t tell their wives/girlfriends they’re going to go somewhere/do something they just do it. And if they don’t like it that’s too bad.
Like dude what?
#50
Wave, cry, do desk jobs, sing, show emotion, show love, be good fathers, be ill, be poor, not fight, have female friends, I’ve heard so many stupid stereo types being born in 75. I still won’t cry after my older brother beating the c**p out of me any time I did as a kid. A few years ago I had mentioned I haven’t cried since I was in my early teens and he had the audacity to say real men cry.
#51
Real men don’t wear safety equipment.
#52
Real men don’t wear lotion or chapstick.
#53
I heard this in line at Target i was a cashier ” real men don’t get sick”.
#54
Men apparently don’t blow dry their hair
#55
”Dance. Eat vegetables. Yoga. Cry.” You pick!
#56
enjoy candles
#57
“Real men don’t apologize”
#58
use airbags
#59
Look at explosions
#60
Real men don’t take more than 1 trip to bring in the groceries.
Edit: I also live by this rule…. Doesn’t mean it’s not stupid.
#61
Real men don’t show emotions.
#62
I’ve heard “Water is for the Weak” from my football coach when we asked about a water break at a high 80 degree day. He doesn’t coach anymore
#63
Eat quiche. S**t’s amazing.