In a 2022 survey, the Pew Research Center found about two-thirds of American parents with kids younger than 18 (66%) say it’s extremely important to them that their little ones grow up to be honest and ethical adults. About half (48%) say the same about their children being hardworking, while about four in ten want their children to become the kind of people who are accepting of those who are different from them (42%) and who help others in need (40%).
However, sometimes life gets in the way of even the best intentions and leaves us there to pick up the pieces. A few days ago, Reddit user u/hurricanehershel made a post on the platform, asking: “Parents who tried their best to raise their kids to be good humans but they turned out to be jerks, what do you wish you did differently?” The replies quickly started pouring in, so we thought it would be interesting to explore parental regret a little deeper and collected the most popular ones.
#1
I (male) was sexually assaulted by an older boy when I was a child, my parents knew, but didn’t want to admit that happened.
My life was a chaotic mess until I addressed it myself, and my sexual life was reckless, harmful, and dangerous to myself, and my partners, because I didn’t know what a healthy relationship was (I was hyper sexual for decades).
My mom admitted she knew they should have gotten me therapy (as well as get the kid arrested).
I absolutely *hated* authority figures for a long, long, long time, because I was betrayed on that level, and it started a burning resentment and anger, and I subconsciously f****d my life up to get back at them, without realizing that’s what I was doing.
Parents, if something traumatic happens to your child, get them help.
I don’t want to hear the money excuse.
You f*****g go without, you eat ramen, you get a second job, whatever you have to do.
But please, don’t teach your kid that they can’t trust anyone in positions of authority.
You’re dooming them to a life of anger, pain, depression, resentment, emotional shutdown, and in my case, alcoholism and violence.
Save them from themselves.
Don’t let them follow my path, I barely made it out alive and sane.
#2
Keep them the f**k away from social media. My oldest had access way too early, and it turned them into an absolute absurdity of a teenager. They are about to be 18 and I did not make that mistake with my other children. Zero access to social media. Turns out that without that influence, they model their behavior after their parents and real life people instead of b******t influencers on insta/tiktok/etc…
Social Media is poison for children and teens. Keep them away from it at all costs.
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#3
Be very careful WHO you have kids with. If I could do it all over again, I would have chosen better. They ended up with 1 responsible parent who was completely overwhelmed trying to do the job of 2 people.
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#4
You don’t have to win every power struggle.
I don’t have jerk kids. But I do think I’ve learned a lot from having 4 very different kids, and I think too many parents 1. Think the same strategies work for all kids (ie, rule-consequence-behavior falls in line, rinse and repeat) and 2. Focus on the behavior rather than the cause.
If you have a kid who doesn’t respond to your parenting style/philosophy, you should rethink your approach. It’s not all the kid’s fault.
Some kids will burn their lives to the ground to make a point. I have one like that. For too long, it was a vicious cycle of
* kid acts out
* I punish
* kid is angry, acts out more
* I punish harder
* kid is angrier, acts out even more
* I punish even harder
and on and on and on and on. Something needs to break the cycle.
For instance, if your kid is challenging your authority, it’s usually a bid for more independence. They’re trying to be more mature, and they want your adult respect. You don’t have to excuse the bad behavior; consequences are OK. But you ALSO have to look for ways to help your kid get that need met.
You don’t have to tie it to the actual incident, so it doesn’t look like a reward. Give them more responsibility for themselves.
* Let him walk to school alone if he doesn’t get to do that.
* Quit bugging him so much about what he does with his free time, even if you think he should be “getting more fresh air.”
* Look for any opportunity to let him choose something. “We’re going to do something as a family on Sunday. You can choose what we do.” or where we eat or whatever.
* Don’t tell him WHEN he has to do his chores. Let him set his Saturday schedule: “I need you to mow the lawn and do the dishes today. You can do it any time between now and 6 p.m.”
If you address the cause of the behavior, it’s going to do way more to correct a bad behavior, and you’ll also get more respect from your kid.
If you insist on winning every power struggle, your kid is going to see everything as a fight.
EDIT: I need to give my wife credit for helping me understand this over the years. She’s not only a great mom and wife, she’s also a really good therapist. She’s gained a lot of perspective working with other kids and parents and working on those relationships.
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#5
*Don’t try to make introverted kids into extroverted kids.”
I’m an extrovert and so are my parents. But all 3 of my children were introverts, which I didn’t realize until they were all adults.
I can whiz into any social setting late or disheveled and then humor my way out of feeling shame or embarrassment, but what I realize now is that such behavior was sorta traumatizing my little introverts, who preferred to blend in with walls.
I think they are somewhat bitter about me not fully understanding them. I thought everyone desired to be a part of big exciting experiences and to ambitiously network for connection and opportunity.
I’ve learned that often parents put pressure on their kids to act as an extrovert. For example, a younger friend of mine has 3 girls, and one of them is extremely shy. At a birthday party, all of the children played “ring around the rosies” and other group games.
The shy one refused to join and fortunately her mother didn’t force her. But I’ve witnessed many parents getting angry, embarrassed or even threatening when a child is not comfortable jumping right in to such activities.
The reason she didn’t force her was because, as a mother of 3 adult introverts, I had told her that if I had it to do over again, I would want to be more aware of my children’s personality types, and I would try to avoid assuming that they would want what I wanted more of as a child.
I hope this makes sense.
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#6
Pay attention to mental health issues from a very young age.
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#7
In my experience most jerk kids come from jerk parents.
That being said, kids can easily become jerks when they have no consequences for their actions. Not just as a toddler but throughout childhood.
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#8
I deeply regret not reading to them more. I have cried as an adult thinking about this dumb, stupid mistake when I think about how neither of them read books and the ways reading might have sparked character growth.
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#9
I wish I knew that some grandparents shouldn’t be allowed to have a relationship with a vulnerable, easily manipulated child. I wish I knew it was okay to cut people out of your life.
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#10
Not me, but my parents have discussed what they wished they had done differently for my brother in order to prevent him from becoming a violent, homeless, drug addicted snot ball of a person.
They wish they had sent him to therapy before problems ever started, and that they had reacted quicker and sent him sooner when they did. They wish they hadn’t yelled so much at all of us. That they had been more patient and forgiving of our mistakes. They wish a lot.
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#11
Generally speaking
If you try to teach your kid something and NOT BE THE example, you might as well not have wasted your time.
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#12
They say everyone makes the best decision at the time.
The path to forgiveness.
If I look back at raising my M23 F21 kids, I think I would have been less harsh on mistakes & rule-breaking.
All it did was encourage subversion & distrust.
Good luck.
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#13
A lot.
I wish I’d insisted on eating dinner as a family every day.
I wish I’d found more things to do with them that we each enjoyed.
I wish I’d taken them backpacking more often at an earlier age to expose them to nature, unplug them from the world, and teach them how good it feels to tackle a big challenge with no external help.
I wish I’d been more patient and playful.
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#14
Honestly, when the mental problems started she was a legal adult and I wish I would have pushed more for her to seek mental health assistance instead of bringing it up but letting her decide because she was an “adult”.
I would give anything to go back and try again. To be more aware of her struggle. To not put it off as she was “finding herself”. To not make excuses to justify her struggle. And absolutely not allow her to give in. I never wanted to be overbearing.
I would rather have her stable and her resent me for being overbearing than what has happened to her now.
I regret that every day.
#15
I worked with youth for a while in a poorer rural part of America and in my anecdotal experience there are two types of kids that can turn into bad humans.
One, they’ve just had tough lives and no good role models. If you get to know them you realize they are just normal kids that have never been given the tools, opportunity, or encouragement to act any different. If noone figures out how to intervene it becomes a pattern of life for them that spirals out of control.
Two, kids that never suffer the consequences of their actions. They tend to have really “nice” caregivers who have a knack for getting thier kids out of trouble. When I say they don’t suffer consequences I mean literally. Their parents do their homework, their parents lie for them, thier parents don’t ever tell them “no”. Their caregivers also don’t supervise them but whenever anything happens they are easily manipulated by thier child and take whatever their child says as gospel truth without question. And although the parents don’t supervise their children they seem all too willing to give them everything thier child asks for (within the confines of their economic class). The caregivers are somehow both emotionally neglectful but also always there to help their child out of a jam. In a way that feels like they want to be manipulated by their child.
Kids in the first category will do something bad and you go, “how could they be so stupid?” When kids in the second category do something bad your reaction is, “it’s only a matter of time before they kill someone.”
I knew a lot of young adults that got in trouble with the law, but it was only people from category two that got tried for murder and manslaughter.
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#16
Don’t praise kids for being smart, even if they are. If you do this, the first time they find something academically challenging, they might think they are not smart anymore, or that you lied and they were never smart in the first place.
Praise them for their willingness to try, to problem solve, and to persevere.
My kid isn’t a jerk, but he is an underachiever who lacks confidence. I put too much emphasis on his intelligence and not enough on hard work.
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#17
I have one child, the youngest, who I’m starting to worry about. He’s tall, athletic, attractive and very charismatic. I feel like it’s a constant battle between teaching him respect and humility and the worship he gets at school. At his age he’s not prepared to deal with all these piers who want his attention, tell him how great he is, and the girls lining up to talk to him.
Yeah, don’t we all wish we had this problem as teens. Anyway, it’s a struggle. He’s gotten cocky and thinks life will just keep on treating him like a king. And maybe it will – he’s got the type of personality that makes people want him around. But he needs to treat others with the same respect he expects for himself. Confidence is good but it needs to be combined with kindness. Our other children are very level headed and what we feel are good people. I hope we get to properly tech this to our youngest and that he takes it to heart and chooses to be a good person.
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#18
Ugh. We talked to our son about everything under the sun. We had an open forum. We talked extensively about money management, sexuality, dating, how to treat other people, drug use, alcoholism and its consequences. He and I also watched a ton of documentaries together on all of the above topics. I have a thing for shows like Underground Inc, Drugs Inc, Broken, and mini series like Dopesick
Once he turned 18 he began to do literally everything we advised against. It’s been a hard few years. After losing his gf, loosing his job and spending some time in jail I think he’s starting to listen. He’s been doing a very good job lately. We love him and we support him despite how hard its been. I feel bad even typing this….
Its really tough to look back and legitimately say what could have been done differently. What I can say to coming parents is:
Don’t give up on your kid
Do the best you can
You can’t control everything
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#19
In my opinion, the one defining characteristic of bad parents is being resentful of their own children. Resentful that they took some of their freedom, resentful of their youth, resentful of their opportunities, resentful of their intelligence, resentful of their beauty, resentful of their possessions, resentful of their education, resentful of their accomplishments, resentful of their happiness, etc. I think this is FAR more common than most people realize. These parents may consciously “provide” for their kids while they unconsciously sabotage them. The kids pick up on this and end up aspiring to their parents’ unspoken expectations.
Good parents want their kids to exceed their own achievements and, most importantly, to be happy. Good parents are empathetic to their children. They’re happy when their kids are happy. They’re sad when their kids are sad. Resentful parents don’t really want their kids to be happy unless they credit the parents for their happiness. No achievement belongs to the kids, but every failure does.
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#20
I should have made them work harder for what they wanted. I just gave it to them and it left them with a sense of entitlement and no will to work hard to get something you want.
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#21
I wish I had applied more limits. Growing up with a helicopter mom, I tried to be different and ended up giving my daughter too much freedom. It hurt her a lot.
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#22
The only thing you can really do is teach them. They will become who they will become eventually.
Also, when I say “teach them” I don’t just mean to preach things. Lead by *example.* You want to teach them to be kind and generous? Then do those things YOURSELVES. If they watch you serve others in need and get joy from that or love those around you, they may grow up wanting that joy themselves.
You want them to be responsible with alcohol? SHOW them how to be responsible.
You want them to learn from their mistakes? Then when you make a mistake, own up to it and apologize. Show them no one should be too prideful to admit they were wrong and do better the next time.
If you preach kindness and such, but your actions show otherwise, it will come off as hypocritical. Kids know when you are sincere.
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#23
I have raised three kids, none of them jerks. All good, kind productive people. However, one of my kids was a difficult, extremely strong-willed child. I kept getting caught in power struggles with this child, which was leading nowhere and resulting in us fighting all the time. I felt critical and negative, which I hated. I decided to start “catching the child being good.” Every time I saw the child behaving or being helpful or successful at something, I commented on it, thanked them, praised them, etc. It was an immediate turn around. I learned that children simply want your attention. Often times it is the misbehaving child that gets that attention. Start focusing your attention on when they are good and you will see good. It was a game changer for us. This child is now a young adult that graduated from college with good grades and got a great job at a prestigious company. They are doing extremely well in life/career/friendships/romantic relationship. We have a close relationship and I couldn’t be prouder of the way they turned out.
#24
Speaking as a Teacher, the two most important things anyone can do to help a child is:
Relationship Building: Yes, you NEED to build a healthy relationship with the child. This ties into the second thing,
Stability: You NEED to establish consistency for the child. A child needs to know that this relationship you’re cultivating with them as Parent/Child or Teacher/Student, is reliable and safe, hence stable.
If you do these two things will your child evolve into Jesus Christ? No.
But think about it like this, would you rather build a skyscraper on land or on the sea? Children have less barriers to learning good behaviors if they have a stable and consistent environment OF GOOD EXAMPLES TO LEARN FROM AND PRACTICE. They can also only do that if THEY TRUST YOU, and to do that, you need to build a healthy relationship, and BE the example for them to learn from.
#25
We wanted our kids to be happy so I think we coddled and spoiled them. They aren’t ready to function independently in the adult world.
In retrospect, I think learning some hard lessons growing up helps prepare them and is less damaging than learning those lessons as adults.
*Edit: to clarify, they aren’t jerks, just not ready to be adults.
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#26
My mom once told me that she wishes she treated my brother the way she treated me. I was the oldest and her first so she pushed me and gave me high benchmarks, but she realized too late that because she was the youngest and her *baby* she forgave him too easily and let him do anything he wanted.
That by the time she realized that he was an entitled jerk it was too late (his mid-20’s). “It’s my fault he’s a narcissist. I gave him everything he wanted and made him believe he deserved it because he was my precious little boy.”
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#27
I wish we hadn’t settled during the custody case and instead fought for full custody of my stepson with limited/supervised visitation with his mom. We thought we were doing the right thing and she ruined him.
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#28
Not a parent but I’ll answer for my mom, who often mentions mistakes she made with my brother, who SA me repeatedly and later took his own life.
Mistake #1: insisting the oldest kids’ dad have visits with the kids after the divorce, even though he didn’t want to
Mistake #2: allowing the oldest kids’ dad to talk her into stopping visitation with the younger kids’ dad after divorce #2 because “he’s not their real dad so why should he get visitation?” even though dad #2 had bonded with the oldest kids and loved them as his own
Mistake #3: Parentifying the oldest. Parentification is when you use the older children as parental figures for the younger ones. This was very normal when my mom was raising her kids, and still common today, but it leads to A LOT of resentment among the kids, and kids don’t know how to deal with resentment in a healthy way. Most adults don’t even deal with resentment well. In many families, that resentment results in the kids hating and/or abusing each other.
I do not blame my mom one bit; my brother made his own choices and had several opportunities to reconcile things. However, these are things I know she wishes she could have done differently.
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#29
Don’t be overly strict. Love. Love. Love. And love some more. Love doesn’t mean no consequences or discipline but actually the opposite. Let them learn from relatively safe natural consequences.
And then, LOVE them unconditionally and be there for them when the natural consequences happen.
Then let go and realize they are ultimately on their own journey.
#30
If wishes were fishes we’d all cast a net. My dad always said that to me.
I would have educated myself. I would have entered therapy to understand my childhood traumas to avoid (very broad here). Basically would have prepared myself better to be the best adult/mom for them. Gained mental tools.
I would have stood up for myself more in order to protect them from consequences of me not standing up for us.
I would have been kinder in his breakdowns.
It’s tough man. Had to stop myself there.
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#31
The mom of one of the columbine shooters gave a Ted Talk about this.
She wrote a book called A Mother’s Reckoning about all the signs she missed. I think every parent needs to read this book before their kids hit their teenage years.
#32
Never ever get a child as a child.
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#33
One of the saddest things I’ve ever read is about Elliot Rodger’s parents. I’m sure they made mistakes, but they saw it coming.
> He (Elliot’s father) recalls with a twinge of regret the what-could-have-been moment when Elliot’s alarmed mother called police on her son, but they left after Elliot convinced them that his online rantings were harmless. At that point Elliot had already purchased three guns and had been practicing at a firing range in preparation for his “retribution.”
IIRC, his parents sent him to therapy for years, but they couldn’t force him to go once he turned 18. It seems like they tried everything they could … and their son still ended up being a mass murderer.
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#34
He is 22 now and not a jerk, but I regret giving him a smartphone at 14. Social Media is f*****g poison to some teenagers. I wonder if his adhd/anxiety would be better had I waited.
#35
I have kids, and it’s something that I try very hard to do: make it to where my kids can talk to me.
I never felt as though I could talk to my mom. If there was something going on in my life, I couldn’t go to her because if it was something she didn’t like or want to hear, I’d better buckle my seat belt for a judgement ride.
Something like “Mom, I like this boy and he said he wants to kiss me” would have resulted in my being grounded to prevent the kiss from happening. So yeah, I’m not telling you s**t.
#36
Everyone should read about attachment theory. Most of your life’s relationships are heavily dependent on how you were patented in the early years of your life. Be more supportive and loving with your kids.
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#37
I wish I was calmer, nicer and more forgiving.
#38
I’m speaking as a teacher…but I’ve seen wildly different siblings. I think parents need to get a handle on that dynamic. A lot of perfectionist older siblings and younger ones who can’t achieve at that level and act out instead to find how they can earn attention.
#39
Lead by example. Encourage and foster critical thought and self reliance. Genuinely give a s**t. I’ve not seen anyone that does that have really bad outcomes. YMMV of course, life is too crazy and random for there not to be exceptions, but these are great building blocks.
#40
Saying more good words, praise when doing something good, don’t compare them to others, listen more, give more attention, etc
#41
Sometimes there’s NOTHING a parent can do. Kids make their own choices independent of upbringing, environment and role-modeling. Our children were raised in a loving, supportive home, with both parents present and engaged in their lives. Not helicopter parents, but involved. My wife volunteered at their school, was a Girl Scout leader, and coached both boys and girls soccer. I volunteered as a coach for both football and baseball and took our kids fishing, etc. Our children were taught from a young age to make their own decisions by weighing options and considering both the intended and unintended consequences of their choices. Due to family issues, neither my wife or I drink or do drugs. We don’t preach about it, we simply choose not to participate. Despite all that, our son got involved with drugs at age 15, was in and out of jail 20+ times, ended up homeless for periods of time, and eventually died of an overdose. He was handsome, smart, and personable, seeming to have all the tools for future success as an adult. We often look back and reevaluate our parenting, but realize there was little we would change. We tried fifty types of parenting over the years from lenient to holding our children accountable by punishment. I can say we never spanked our kids, but I don’t regret that. We got our son into rehab early and supported his recovery. He went back in twice and we supported him throughout. Unfortunately, he simply CHOSE to live a life that we never wanted him to live and there was nothing we could do, or try, to stop him. I miss him dearly, but the lesson I learned is NOT to judge a parent by their kids and vice versa. A great kid can also come from s**t parents. Life can be harsh at times.
#42
Showed them how to be independent.
#43
My oldest is almost 6 and I’m afraid I’ve already turned her into a jerk. She is often agitated, hysterical, manipulative, and seeks constant attention. I think it’s because after my second child I was in a really bad shape postpartum during 2020 for about a year. I went to therapy and I try to handle everything with her increasingly even tempered but I’m scared it’s too late.
#44
Said no more often.
#45
I must admit I yell at mine a bit. Frustrated more than anything. Early teens can be painful. This thread has opened my eyes. I will be more patient with them and when I go to yell I’ll
Remember what y’all said here. Thanks everyone. Wish me luck. ??
#46
I really feel qualified to answer this. I have 5 kids. My oldest son graduated high school a semester early with honors and went to Japan and did volunteer work before starting college. He earned his bachelors with his honors as well and has just started back to college to earn a second degree and he works in a field where his job is taking care of veterans. My oldest daughter graduated high school a year early with honors and did volunteer work in Costa Rica before starting college. She earned her bachelors with honors and went on to earn a masters with honors as well and works with veterans also. My second son graduated high school with honors and a college associates degree and got his CNA license to help care for people and is in nursing school right now. He wants to get his nursing license and then get his masters and work with children in need. My youngest daughter is still in elementary, but loves sending gifts to orphanages and handing out meals to the homeless with us and just helping people in need. She just has a huge heart. We all communicate regularly and have wonderful relationships. Just awesome amazing humans.
Now that is four of my children. My fifth child, my second daughter, is also in college. She refuses to speak to her siblings. She has changed her degree numerous times. She is rude. She is entitled. She only speaks to me when she needs money or college papers signed. She keeps my number blocked until she needs me. Then she unblocks me, gets what she wants, then stops talking again until my he next time she needs something. Her biggest goal in life seems to be to get pregnant. She is just an awful person. But I keep trying even though everyone else says to just let her go. So, I truly have no idea what I would have done differently because what I did as a father worked great 4 out of the 5 times. I am truly at a loss but haven’t given up just yet.
#47
My 31 y.o. stepson just beat up his second wife. She got a TRO this past weekend, and this was after he beat up his first wife and also got a TRO, 4 years ago. He was kicked out at our house at 18 after he tried to choke me out. He was spoiled rotten. Given everything, allowed to drop out of middle school to pursue his dreams of being a professional video game player, given car after car that he wrecked, given a cake job from his uncle, lives in his grandma’s condo now.
I wish I wasn’t the b***h growing up, I had really important lessons to share, one being accountability. But after I tried that and he choked me out, I gave up. So accountability and learn to be ok with failure but in his case it’s completely genetic so I wish I had just saved my energy and let him be a jerk.
#48
Also, not me but my mom before she passed. My parents let my brother quit school when he was 15, rather than enrolling him in the alternative school that the district offered because “he didn’t want to remove his piercings.” He had a lot of issues, but he was getting therapy, and the alternative high school would have had additional resources to handle his learning disabilities and his emotional issues.
So, he never graduated. My dad just enabled all the behavior and didn’t require anything of my brother because it was too much work. My mom always daid the worst mistake was not enforcing his attendance at school. My parents divorced, and my brother moved between them and girlfriends until my mom passed away and his girlfriend dumped him.
He’s 38 now and still lives with my dad. No job, no prospects, no desire to do anything but smoke weed and play video games all day. At some point, my dad will pass too and then I don’t know who will support him, but it won’t be me!
#49
Sent them to a private school so they didn’t have to associate with or get beaten up by aspiring gangsters.
#50
I think this about 2 of my cousins. My uncle “Ed” had a severely strict mother, the type of southern mom that domineered her husband and took no nonsense from her kids. To the extent that all 3 of her kids were estranged from her for a bit, but 2 of them (including my uncle “Ed”) have been reconnected for decades.
My uncle, vowing to never be this strict with his kids, essentially just never disciplined his kids. Whenever Ed and my Aunt Lana had an issue with them, the kids could go to Ed and get out of it because he was kind of a pushover. They grew up to be rude, didn’t respect curfews at like age 12. The son always had some sort of issue (my family is very hush hush about mental health, I think it’s ADHD) that led to angry bursts as a kid and they tried their best with medication but it kind of mellowed him out into a shell of himself till they found a better med combo.
Another thing that may play a role is they’re half black (my side) and half white (Ed’s side). I won’t pretend to know if there was an identity issue growing up, but I was very judgmental of them because they kind of both tried to act “ghetto” like they grew up in a tough neighborhood with a hood accent and I’m like.. No you grew up in one of the most affluent neighborhoods in the state with both parents and a lot of chances.
So yeah, last year my mom admits to me both of the cousins got into drugs and had to go to rehab. Again, knowing my family they’d freak out at weed but I think it was that and also opiates. And I’m just shaking my head thinking that this is kind of all on my cousins.
#51
My kids are still too little but as a teacher for 8 years the worst kids were either:
1. The ones with overly controlling and strict parents ( the kids let loose at a school because they know they can’t at home. they tend to be mean to their friends or bully the other kids probably so they can exert some control over their lives- just a guess though)
2. The ones with parents who are jerks (self explanatory)
3. The ones with parents who are doormats, their kids never have consequences – if their child acts out they make excuses or claim the teacher is lying.
The third type don’t want their child to feel any negative emotions ever. The problem with this is when the parent is constantly saving their kid from those more negative feelings like failure and frustration you get kids with learned helplessness, who have no grit and fold under pressure like a wet tissue. For example, when your kid forgets their project or homework don’t bring it to them at school, don’t swoop in to save them. This teaches them consequences- but you can help them moving forward, so like offer to help them form strategies for staying on top of assignments or look over an email they send to their teacher asking for extra credit etc. before they send it.
#52
My kid isn’t a jerk, but has an unusual expression of autism (pathological demand avoidance) that got missed until his 20s. Said expression means he panics, stonewalls, fights, defies, or goes catatonic when anyone asks him to do something, and definitely when anyone tries to MAKE him do anything. It made a lot of his childhood sheer hell on both of us, and it’s still tough going even as he’s doing better now that he’s in a new support program. He’s constantly suicidal, and if you make what he perceives to be a demand of him when he has low blood sugar, he can sometimes turn violent. Usually against himself, but sometimes against me.
I deeply wish I’d been more of a mama bear about his psychiatric treatment when he was younger. Our insurance put us in a teaching hospital system with high turnover, so he was bounced between providers constantly, going thru 5 different psychiatrists in one year once. Every single one would give him a new diagnosis when he started with them, and none of them were right.
I wish that I (who has ADHD with terrible executive dysfunction issues and inability to form habits) had gotten him into more routines that had external reasons (he fights less when demands are “thems the rules by the big bosses out there somewhere” that you can’t personally argue with vs something that I want him to do), different supports in school, and a therapist who understood PDA. Instead all his therapists all asked him to do things or model particular behaviors and all that would happen is he’d start to refuse to speak or attend his sessions at all.
I wish that I’d had the time, resources, functioning to dig deeper into getting parenting help. But most parenting kids with depression info is like depression 101 or tells you to contact other resources that either don’t exist or just refer you to other resources that also refer you, in a big chain until someone refers you back to where you started. Help had to have existed somewhere maybe, but I never found it. I tried all kinds of techniques to help but almost all of them backfired spectacularly.
I also wish I’d taught him far more specifically about social exchanges. He does fine with small talk and hanging out and stuff, but he’s the type of person that is instantly recognizable as being weird somehow even though he didn’t do or say anything all that off. This stops him from making friends easily. When he does make friends, he often gets far too dark far too often, or has odd reactions to things, or shuts down unexpectedly, or gets far too needy because each new person is his only social outlet and he gets really really eager.
So most of them don’t last long, and most of them ghost. The ones that don’t typically manipulate him for their benefit. All the people who make friends with him also have profound issues of their own, which sometimes ends up deeply negatively impacting my son as well. Unfortunately, he sees asking him to work on improving boundaries or understanding other’s responses to him almost always as a demand, and so far has gotten nowhere.
It’s really rough to exist in a world where your brain makes you rebel against almost every expectation, and even rougher when others just see someone as a giant d**k and not someone deeply struggling.
I am really glad that I did manage to not lose him to being an incel or far right wing like a lot of the people he knew. He has actually broken up with friends who have gone down that particular pipeline, and is actively feminist. So at least there is that win.
#53
I don’t think I could have done anything differently. I let him be who he is. He just happened not to want to treat me nice unless I had something he wanted. I finally set the boundary of treat me with respect or go away and he chose to go away ? at least I’m not treated like s**t anymore.
#54
Maybe I am too arrogant as a parent but I swear that sometimes you just can’t win. We had two kids. Boy, 1 1/2 years older than the girl. Raised alike, I thought. He barely made it through HS but would try anything and had a sharp wit. Tested his teachers’ limits all the time. His sister got A’s. But had a inferiority complex we worked and worked on. He went into the Navy after HS because he said he wasn’t ready for college. (our state had college for any HS grad) He took off! Tops in training. Tops in Medic training. Boom. Boom. Boom. My daughter didn’t want college, got pregnant and became hourly, then jr mgr at Petsmart. My son continued to excel. Quit Navy. Went back into Nave but in totally dif field and excelled. Left Navy and went to work for billion dollar company and excelled. Became ultra successful. My daughter got an online degree. But now works at a burger joint.
My daughter is constantly depressed. She works to damn hard. On her 3rd husband. She doesn’t learn. Still love her dearly. My son turned to the dark side a few years ago and is a Trumper. We moved 10 yrs ago to be close to his kids. Now I wish we hadn’t. I swear they were raised the same, ate the same food. This is all true. WTF happened? Should have used the jumper cables.
#55
My neice/nephews are those jerks. They’re adults now, still jerks. The nephews are the worst.
In a nutshell, they grew up with zero consequences. If they stole, their dad repaid and mom apologized. If they vandalized, their dad repaid and mom apologized. If they acted like jerks towards adults, their dad yelled at them once, mom apologized.
They’re older than my kids. They all acted fine around us, as they knew I’d spank them. And I did, more than once. The dad was pissed, mom was happy. I didn’t care. Don’t like it, don’t bring them to my house. Go away mad, fine by me.
They eventually stole from every family member but us. Seems the kids with issues that couldn’t control themselves, could control themselves around the 2 adults who didn’t buy in.
They all treated the mom horribly, the dad never corrected me. They still do. Not yelling/screaming any more, just use her and use her. Beg, borrow, steal her money.
That’s all on her. Almost 40 years later, she hasn’t listened or learned. They’re a weird little group. It’s them against the world, and they all hate each other.
When we first had kids, the mom and dad said “you’ll see”. And I laughed in their faces each time. No, I won’t see. Because I see what you are doing so wrong.
It’s not hard to raise good kids, but it starts from Day One. And it’s a daily job. My oldest is 21. Great kid. And I correct him on a weekly basis. Small things, but he lives at home and hears Dad’s input on the tiny things he might want to rethink.
Funny thing. Bad kids grow up and as they’re growing, never ask for or take the parents advice. And good kids do so even as young adults.
Your kids have to respect you, and I believe fear you “just enough”. Not be afraid, but know not to cross lines.